Reel Intelligence

Once again, it's that time of the week, where we give you one last warning about this weekend's upcoming movies. You can click on the links of the movies below to get our original and humorous forecasts. We also guess over/under on the weekend box office numbers, play in the comments for bragging rights.

First order of business - last week's predictions. Unsurprisingly, Awake hit the under, bringing in a mere $5.9 million (under the $7.0 million). But let's look at something I said in my preview review: "I'm guessing we'll get at least ten critics saying the following line: 'The movie may be called AWAKE, but this thing is sure to put you to SLEEP.' " Now, I'm not a big gloater, but...

1) Peter Hammond, Maxim - "Using this information, the filmmakers of Awake have crafted a domestic thriller that just may end up putting you ASLEEP." [Note: shouldn't it be 'to sleep'?]

2) Frank Swietek, One Guy's Opinion - "A would-be psychological thriller without much psychology and even fewer thrills, 'Awake' is more likely to put you to sleep."

3) Liz Braun, JAM! Movies - "Awake will put you to sleep."

4) Gina Carbone, Seacoast Newspapers - "Awake Review: Best stay asleep"

5) Gary Brown, Houston Community Newspapers - "You're better off sleeping than to sit through 'Awake'"

6) Wesley Morrison, Boston Globe - "A thriller that could put viewers to sleep."

7) Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinal - "You might fall asleep during 'Awake'"

8) Dustin Putman, The Movie Boy - "Awake will probably make you wish you hadn't been."

Okay, so that's only eight, but there were a few questionable ones using a similar theme but with the word "paralysis" instead of "sleep". Also, this is only a quick search through the 40 reviewers qualified enough to appear on Rotten Tomatoes...I'm sure scouring the internet will bring up much more. Regardless, we see that it's not only movie makers that go after the low-hanging fruit...

The Golden Compass ($40.0 million) - From Bill Goodykoontz over at The Arizona Republic - "THE GOLDEN COMPASS: controversial statement on free will vs. religious oppression or disjointed, hard-to-follow fantasy-action flick for kids? Let's go with the latter." Yup, disjointed...kind of like that sentence.

Troy: Hmmm, it looks like since Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise parted ways, they've each done pretty well for themselves. Nicole plays a role where she leads a church that wants to conquer the world and brainwash little children, and Tom Cruise ACTUALLY leads a Church that wants to conquer the world and ...err, let's just say they still have a lot in common. (UNDER)

Torch: Kids all over the country are going to be sneaking into the theaters to see this one.. "Hey mom, me and the guys are going to see Atonement. Be back after curfew." Ah, now they can go to hell for seeing the movie AND lying. (UNDER)


Atonement ($9.3 million) - David Ansen at Newsweek tells us, "No two-hour film could ever capture all the riches of McEwan's masterly novel. But Wright and Hampton's Atonement comes tantalizingly close, while adding sensual delights all its own." Based on some of those descriptors, you wonder if this movie is something you eat. (OVER)

Troy: Once again, nothing more than a period piece...on two levels.

Torch: Did Oprah like this movie? Cause if she did, I do... (UNDER)



Revolver (N/A) - Only a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. The prophesy is being fulfilled!

Troy: New plot for movie: Rogaine dispatches a group of henchmen to kill Jason Stratham, because he rocks the bald look so well. Says a henchman, "I'm going to SCALP you." Stratham then dodges a knife strike, and, retorts, "Just a HAIR off." Says the other henchman, "Uggh, that was terrible."

Torch: I always like these movies because I always understand at least 1 storyline. If I happen to understand two out of the 14 it is like a free bonus movie.





Grace is Gone (N/A) - Once in a while, you just have to tip your hat to a critic. Here's to you, Nick Schager at Slant Magazine: "It's the Paul Haggis version of National Lampoon's Vacation."

Troy: Having not seen this movie, nor the trailer, I can only surmise that Grace, is indeed, not here.

Torch: If Hilary Clinton was president, Grace would NOT be gone. I will be....



Troy (3-5)
Torch (7-1)

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

Ah yes. It is time for the movie of the year. I am Legend stars Will Smith in a remake of 1971's Omega man. Now, I got VERY excited when I heard someone say this, but it ends up that I misheard, and they will NOT be making a remake of "Mega Man." Granted, I was confused when I heard about this because I didn't know how they would decide which Mega Man game to make into a movie. They had about Mega Man 1 through 20 to pick from.


Then I thought about how hard it would be to turn Mega Man into a movie, and realized it would be darn near impossible. You know how Jack Bauer has to kill like 4 underlings in order to get to the main guy at the end, and each time you think you got the main guy but it really wasn't? (It always ends up being God's fault) Well, this happens in every game of Mega Man. Each game has about 8 bosses and they are all wicked talented. They all have special talents that they are named after. My personal favorite was DustMan. He was good at collecting dust or something. He was awesome.


Ah, but out of my dreamland and back to I am Legend. The synopsis reads:

"Robert Neville (Will Smith) is a brilliant scientist, but even he could not contain the terrible virus that was unstoppable, incurable…and manmade. Somehow immune,"-- Hold the phone... You just said it was unstoppable, incurable, and manmade, and then you told me someone was immune. I don't get it.

Oh yippee, and aren't we lucky that the last man on earth is a brilliant scientist?!?! Imagine if we got left we Paris Hilton or Howard Stern (One would do nothing, and the other would do anything including but not limited to zombies and animals).

Anyways, this movie got me thinking. Imagine this scenario:


You get bumped into by strange man on the street who drops his watch. You pick it up and try to chase him, but he is walking too fast. You follow him down an ally and watch him jump into a dumpster. Naturally, you follow and blam! You are transported to the dark ages.




Now, here is the question. How many inventions could you recreate? I am stupid. I watch TV, listen to my IPOD, and play on my computer and I guarantee that I would be one of the idiots dumping my pale of poop out onto the street and into the same water I would be DRINKING from later. I couldn't invent anything! I would be a bigger loser back then than I am now. Tomorrow, I am making a transistor radio.





We are all worthless space holders. (some bigger than others)









Yuck.. Better hurry before I puke.....

I will probably go see this movie. I expect the character interactions to be even better than Tom Hanks and Wilson in Castaway.

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

I would like to introduce you to this movie the same way I was, so check out the original teaser trailer.
Now, can you see what we suffered in that theater? Those first forty seconds of the trailer are simply build-up, forcing your guard down and tricking you into believing that this is a preview for a new Beatles movie. They show hysterical women screaming, and the voice-overs saying things like "their music defined a generation." Then, right when you hit that 41 second mark, darkness falls. The chipmunks squeaky voices penetrate the air with their atrocious rendition of "Funky Town". You long for the sweet sound of a nearby grenade. The other theater patrons can only curse at their Red Vines for being too short and weak for self-strangulation. And all you can do is cover your ears and mumble, "The horror, the horror!"
And we're left with this question: how has one franchise survived on the same gimmick for so long? Their Chipmunk voices are high-pitched, kind of like real chipmunks...we get it. Believe me. Every kid enjoys mimicking the sound by doubling the speed of a cassette, record, WAV file, or whatever for about ten seconds. Then they grow up, their ears become more sensitive to those damned high-pitched mongrels, and so every Christmas when that stupid song plays and the line about a "Hoola Hoop" comes on, they want to jab a spike down the back of Alvin's throat. It's the circle of life.
But let's get back to that trailer. The voice-over starts out: "They came from nowhere to become an overnight sensation. Their music defined a generation. And then, suddenly, they disappeared." Why did they disappear? The first reason I already mentioned - they only have one gimmick. The second reason:

That's right, there's only enough room in town for one set of chipmunks. Chip and Dale were just a bunch of schmucks early on in Disney cartoons, content to play mere ancillary roles. But with Rescue Rangers, they cemented themselves as the most bad-ass chipmunks around, and nobody was going to challenge them. Just hearing the intro song, "Sometimes, some crimes, go slipping through the cracks..." gives me goosebumps.

Anyhow, given that the first forty-five second of this trailer are wasted, the makers of the film could only pick one gag to put in there, one joke that would unite all humorous forces in this movie into one bit of 15 second hilarity. What did they go with?


A poop joke. For your benefit, I will reset the scene:

Jason Lee: Whao, Theodore, did you just...? (Pointing at a Theodore poo nugget)

Alvin: Relax, Dave, it's just a raisin.

Jason Lee: Prove it.

Alvin: (Eats the poo nugget) Mmmm mmm. (Licks fingers)

Jason Lee: Okay.

Alvin: (To Theodore) Dude, you owe me big time!

There are so many things wrong with this, but I'll take the time to point out a few. 1) Does anybody but six year olds find the whole raisin vs. poo nugget thing funny? 2) Do we want to teach said six year olds that it's funny to eat other people's feces? Consider a movie like The Power of One where Morgan Freeman being force to eat crap is the ultimate symbol of slavery and humiliation. 3) Once again, can we consider how gross this actually is? 4) What is Alvin's motivation here? On the one hand, you have Jason Lee's character that doesn't seem particularly angry. On the other hand, you must endure Theodore's excrement against your taste buds. Huh? What kind of beating does Jason Lee lay on them that they would be terrified enough to eat crap?!
On second thought, maybe this whole feeding-you-crap thing DOES summarize the movie as a whole. It follows every formula for a crappy CGI cartoon-turned-movie (see Garfield), from uninspired actor just trying to live through the filming (Jason Lee), to non-threatening but upbeat song that was at the height of it's popularity seven years ago (Blink 182, All the Small Things), and even a coffee-makes-you-hyper joke (see picture earlier in post).
Enjoy your crap-that-looks-like-a-raisin.

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

I am concerned...Concerned about this post. I am concerned that it will become more a rant than comical (I think) observations. This movie is that bad. This movie leeches from that many movies. This movie has that many stereo-types (the foremost being a nasty one about African-American's poor taste in movies (anything with Eddy Murphy)).














Now, I realize that this movie is, "An African American take on the classic and beloved Christmas family film," but what the heck does that mean? Are we so different that now we need black and white (no, not as in before color television) versions of our movies? And does this mean we can just switch out black characters for white characters and visa versa? I would love to see a white version of the Barbershop. It would be titled Supercuts.

"There are three things white people need to tell the truth about:

One- Eminem isn't white. He is a black albino.....

Two- Thomas Jefferson was definitely sleeping with his slaves.

Three- Mark Fuhrman framed OJ.



Can we get straight and gay versions of movies next? What about a straight version of Top Gun? ( funny clip)



Ok..... Enough of that, on to the trailer and synopsis....

"The first African American ensemble comedy for the Christmas season, The Perfect Holiday stars Gabrielle Union.......yada yada yada......."

This is just a lie. Trust me. I know. I just avoided reviewing a movie last week that was the EXACT same thing! This Christmas just came out, and if I am not mistaken it was the first African American ensemble comedy of the season.



Which came first? The bad Christmas movie based on cliche, or the worse Christmas movie based on cliche?







Ug.. I feel myself slipping into rant mode. For that reason I will simply finish this post with a small smattering of the cliches that this movie uses.


1.) Single mom struggles with raising children, loneliness during the holidays, and cooking spaghetti. Just the situation I like to take advantage of...


2.) Man lies about what kind of work he does. He really works at the mall part-time, but he tells the woman he sells office supplies.... If you are going to lie about this, shouldn't at least make your lie impressive?






3.) Kids resist the new man in their mother's life. Seriously, didn't Are We There Yet already do the African American retelling of this cliche?





I can't even mention them all. I also can't mention my plea enough times, PLEASE DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE! It only encourages people to make more of these movies....

Trailer (Opens 12/14 limited, 12/28 wide)
At first I thought this was one of those "be grateful for what you have" stories. It's wide release is scheduled AFTER Christmas, so you'd think when kids started complaining about getting Guitar Hero instead of Rock Band, parents could take them to see this movie and say, "see, you got a fun video game, and all they get to play with is a stupid kite." Then those kids would remember the thing that's collecting dust in the attic, that was once bought at a garage sale and will similarly be sold at a garage sale, and kiss their precious copy of Guitar Hero.

But as it turns out, the kites in this movie are a GOOD thing. Even crazier, most of the kids don't fly the kites themselves...no, they watch until a kite has been cut from its string, then "run" and chase it down. Basically, they're like ball-boys in tennis, except they don't get paid. Ummmm....awesome? We should teach these kids 52-card pick-up if they REALLY want to be entertained. Regardless, you should start buying your stock in the Mary Poppins right now, because kites are making a comeback. (P.S. I AM aware that you buy stock in companies, and that you can't invest in movie characters, okay?)

Anyway, as we've already seen, orphan movies are in this holiday season. But unlike the American version, where the boy gets to find both of his parents, the Afghan boy can merely hope for a proxy at best. This happens to be a man who knew the boy's father very well, as we are reassured in the trailer ("two friends, as close as brothers"):
Well, they appear to be friends, but not THAT close. Can we do better?

Hmm, that's a little better, I suppose, but the one kid might just be really interested in the book...

THAT'S IT! When you've got each other in a mutual choke-hold around the neck, you know you've hit the friendship jackpot.

So yeah, the whole point is the "redemption" of the main character, which is required because of betraying this close, close, so very very close friend. As already mentioned, this redemption takes the form of rescuing the child. Along the way he will need to fight the Taliban, who, along with harboring terrorists, have also placed an unjust and horrible universal ban on kites. How will our guy do it? With the help of modern day's extreme disguising technology...a fake beard.
Godspeed, Mr. Protagonist.