Monday, November 19, 2007


Trailer (Opens 11/30)

Before I start, I want to add the following disclaimer: I am aware that this is Hayden Christensen's first major film since playing Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars films, and I know that you think I'll be going down that path, but I WILL resist the urge. It takes a lot of internal strength, but sometimes you need to use the FOR...titude within yourself and power through. Wish me luck.

Anyhow, the trailer and synopsis both tell us the same thing about this movie: “Awake is a psychological thriller about a common occurrence called 'anesthetic awareness'...wherein a patient's failed anesthesia leaves him fully conscious but physically paralyzed during surgery.

Certainly, it must be a traumatic experience to feel pain throughout the surgery, but does anyone notice anything wrong with this being the basis for a major motion picture? Like -- I don't know – the fact that he is completely paralyzed? As in, can't move. As in, nothing can happen. I don't know about you, but typically when I shell out $10 for movie, I like to see the main character, uh, DO SOMETHING.

Instead, we get the awkward “thought voice-over”, which is typically relegated to movies like the Shaggy Dog (where it represent Tim Allen's thoughts when he is in “dog form”).

In Awake we're left believing the squirrel outside the window probably WOULD tell a more exciting story. Tragic. I'm guessing we'll get at least ten critics saying the following line: “The movie may be called AWAKE, but this thing is sure to put you to SLEEP.” ZING!

And yet, perhaps the greatest travesty is the way that they've mangled the simple three elements of this story. Gee, we have one main guy, a bed, and Jessica do you think we can make this interesting? Personally, I can think of at least ten different “ways”. Of course, one of them DOES NOT involve knocking the guy out for 90 minutes, and then having Jessica Alba “struggle with her own demons as a terrifying drama unfolds around the couple.” Do you know what would be more interesting than having Jessica Alba fight with her personal demons? Having her fight with ACTUAL demons.

But alas, we're stuck trying to figure out what horrible secrets from the past haunt Jessica in this movie. Let's take a few guesses. Is it...

a) Being Max Guevera (The Dark Angel) – sure, I referenced this a few weeks ago in my Hitman post, and sure, she's a genetically engineered super-soldier. But she fights for Good now, and, as hot as she looks, I'm sure we can overlook some of the killing. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

b) Being Sue Storm – uh, she seems to have gone all Aryan on us here. Plus, instead of allowing Halle Berry to hold onto one thing for old times' sake, she snatched the “hot chick with mutant powers named 'Storm'” title and never looked back. That's just not fair. Still, it's not necessarily something so sinister that you'd need to keep it from your husband. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

c) Being John Malkovich – oops, she never was John. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

Okay, what we're really looking for is something so terrible that the very thought of it makes her sick, something so evil that despite wanting to bury it within the depths of her soul, it continues to appear in her nightmares. Something...

d) Dane Cook – Oh geez. No. NO. This did NOT happen, right? VERDICT: Haunts her EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE.

From the trailer, we know this movie promises at least a few other things. For one, Jessica Alba is constantly topless, but with her back facing the camera...

And two, there are plenty of lightsaber battles (sorry, I gave into the...well, you know which side). Enjoy...

What I find most ridiculous about this movie is that the synopsis describes anesthetic awareness as a "common occurrence."

I'm a reporter, and I know how to use Wikipedia, and it's telling me that AA happens in about 0.15 percent of surgeries done under general anesthetic. Granted, it sounds like a terrifying experience, but hardly common.

More likely to happen:

Mike Tyson comes out of the closet.

Troy hooking up with Jessica Alba.
"... and lots of scenes with Jessica Alba..."

and btw if I will see another picture of Jessica here I will boycott this blog

nothing personally against her, she is beautiful, just seeing (yet another time) Troy's horny face staring at her picture will make me throw up
"I like Troy's horny face!"
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