Reel Intelligence

Trailer (Opens 11/21)

They are bred to walk among us. They are highly trained, fierce warriors, who slip in and out of crowds without notice. And yet, if you really want to spot one, I've got one word for you:


BARCODE.

Nothing screams "I am a genetically engineered soldier/assassin!" like a sequence of black lines on the skin. And certainly, you must wonder -- is the minor convenience of scanning two digits (47) really worth making your prized soldier stand out more than a high-school grad at a NASCAR event? I mean, how often are these guys passing through grocery store check-out lines? And what kind of discount can I get on Jessica Alba (Dark Angel) with a club card? I don't need an excuse to show her...

But seriously, considering you've spent millions of dollars to train these guys, wouldn't you want to splurge on a 7-cent RFID tag instead of the tattooed barcode? Anybody who's been searching for their toll road pass as the FastTrak station approaches, only to hear a beep even though the pass is in the glove compartment, already knows the power of RFID...


A barcode only has like a one foot range, and even then you have to watch the jiggling arm-fat of the check-out lady as she tries to swipe the same item ten times. Think about it – if the FastTrak stations were around back in the day, Sonny Corleone would still be alive! This means that Al Pacino would never have risen to Godfather, and movies like Two For The Money, teaming up Al and McConaughey, would have been relegated to the back minds of weird girls with sexual/daddy issues.

But I digress. Honestly, the first thing you need to wonder when seeing this trailer is WHERE THE %&$@# IS JASON STRATHAM?

Let's face it, there's only enough room in Hollywood for one bald, white badass actor. Stratham has become that man. Bruce Willis used to be that man, but his time has come to hand it off, and he seems to be doing it graciously. Still, I can't believe Bruce would hand that crown of scalp-skin to Olyphant over Stratham, unless...

Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah, I guess that explains why we're now stuck with a man whose last name is the Lord of the Rings equivalent of a giant elephant.

Anyhow, the synopsis has this to say above the movie: "The greatest threat to 47's survival may be the stirrings of his conscience and the unfamiliar emotions aroused in him by a beautiful, damaged girl".

I love the whole "stirrings of his conscience and the unfamiliar emotions" part. It is basically the exact same thing that happened to this guy:

No, that's not C3PO. And yes, I AM saying that Hitman is essentially just a knock-off of Bicentennial Man. Deal with it.

Okay, all joking aside, from what I've seen in most CLIPS I think this movie is going to KILL at the box office. I've also RIFLED through a good amount of the script, and the story seems to have been well EXECUTED, even if some of the themes have been BEATEN to DEATH. There was some talk of BUTCHERING the movie and going for a PG-13 rating, but when the BULLETS started to fly, Fox smartly PULLED THE TRIGGER on a hard 'R'. Good for them.

Oh geez, did I really just do that? Well, give me a break...I've been UNDER THE GUN with this thing (you know you were waiting for that one). You may now go back to enjoying the fake-violins of the trailer.