Friday, December 7, 2007

Weekend Warning

Once again, it's that time of the week, where we give you one last warning about this weekend's upcoming movies. You can click on the links of the movies below to get our original and humorous forecasts. We also guess over/under on the weekend box office numbers, play in the comments for bragging rights.

First order of business - last week's predictions. Unsurprisingly, Awake hit the under, bringing in a mere $5.9 million (under the $7.0 million). But let's look at something I said in my preview review: "I'm guessing we'll get at least ten critics saying the following line: 'The movie may be called AWAKE, but this thing is sure to put you to SLEEP.' " Now, I'm not a big gloater, but...

1) Peter Hammond, Maxim - "Using this information, the filmmakers of Awake have crafted a domestic thriller that just may end up putting you ASLEEP." [Note: shouldn't it be 'to sleep'?]

2) Frank Swietek, One Guy's Opinion - "A would-be psychological thriller without much psychology and even fewer thrills, 'Awake' is more likely to put you to sleep."

3) Liz Braun, JAM! Movies - "Awake will put you to sleep."

4) Gina Carbone, Seacoast Newspapers - "Awake Review: Best stay asleep"

5) Gary Brown, Houston Community Newspapers - "You're better off sleeping than to sit through 'Awake'"

6) Wesley Morrison, Boston Globe - "A thriller that could put viewers to sleep."

7) Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinal - "You might fall asleep during 'Awake'"

8) Dustin Putman, The Movie Boy - "Awake will probably make you wish you hadn't been."

Okay, so that's only eight, but there were a few questionable ones using a similar theme but with the word "paralysis" instead of "sleep". Also, this is only a quick search through the 40 reviewers qualified enough to appear on Rotten Tomatoes...I'm sure scouring the internet will bring up much more. Regardless, we see that it's not only movie makers that go after the low-hanging fruit...

The Golden Compass ($40.0 million) - From Bill Goodykoontz over at The Arizona Republic - "THE GOLDEN COMPASS: controversial statement on free will vs. religious oppression or disjointed, hard-to-follow fantasy-action flick for kids? Let's go with the latter." Yup, disjointed...kind of like that sentence.

Troy: Hmmm, it looks like since Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise parted ways, they've each done pretty well for themselves. Nicole plays a role where she leads a church that wants to conquer the world and brainwash little children, and Tom Cruise ACTUALLY leads a Church that wants to conquer the world and ...err, let's just say they still have a lot in common. (UNDER)

Torch: Kids all over the country are going to be sneaking into the theaters to see this one.. "Hey mom, me and the guys are going to see Atonement. Be back after curfew." Ah, now they can go to hell for seeing the movie AND lying. (UNDER)

Atonement ($9.3 million) - David Ansen at Newsweek tells us, "No two-hour film could ever capture all the riches of McEwan's masterly novel. But Wright and Hampton's Atonement comes tantalizingly close, while adding sensual delights all its own." Based on some of those descriptors, you wonder if this movie is something you eat. (OVER)

Troy: Once again, nothing more than a period piece...on two levels.

Torch: Did Oprah like this movie? Cause if she did, I do... (UNDER)

Revolver (N/A) - Only a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. The prophesy is being fulfilled!

Troy: New plot for movie: Rogaine dispatches a group of henchmen to kill Jason Stratham, because he rocks the bald look so well. Says a henchman, "I'm going to SCALP you." Stratham then dodges a knife strike, and, retorts, "Just a HAIR off." Says the other henchman, "Uggh, that was terrible."

Torch: I always like these movies because I always understand at least 1 storyline. If I happen to understand two out of the 14 it is like a free bonus movie.

Grace is Gone (N/A) - Once in a while, you just have to tip your hat to a critic. Here's to you, Nick Schager at Slant Magazine: "It's the Paul Haggis version of National Lampoon's Vacation."

Troy: Having not seen this movie, nor the trailer, I can only surmise that Grace, is indeed, not here.

Torch: If Hilary Clinton was president, Grace would NOT be gone. I will be....

Troy (3-5)
Torch (7-1)

It's Monday night, and there still isn't a new post on Reel Intelligence. What gives?
Awww... Thanks for noticing.... You were the only one who really cared....
Another day, another disappointment. Now, I know today's not Troy's day too.
Seriously.. where are the new posts?
Got off your bums and give me another post. I'm dying at work and could use a good laugh.
What is going on here?!?
a week without writing... what's the deal with CORNUTS
This is the end, beautiful friend.
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