Friday, November 9, 2007

Weekend Warning

Now kiddies, it's time for the usual Friday segment, Weekend Warning, where we take a look at the movies opening this weekend and prove to you how right we were with our original preview reviews (and we didn't even need to see the movies). We'll also guess the over/under on box office projections. We encourage you to play along at home (or in the comments).

Fred Claus ($60 million) - According to the consensus:
"A slew of talent is wasted in this contrived and overly sentimental Christmas film." Couldn't have seen that one coming...

Troy: Where can we bet on how many times someone gets kicked in the groin by a reindeer in this movie? (OVER)

Torch: Save your money and rent Ernest Saves Christmas. Pour some eggnog out for my homie Jim Varney. (UNDER)

Lions for Lambs ($95 million) -
Oh, there were plenty of good ones, but I think The Arizona Republic gives me the largest reason to say "I told you so":

A Big Star Hollywood cast, including Robert Redford (who also directed), Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep, might just as well have appeared on-screen for a couple of minutes with signs that said, "War is bad," and been done with it. Saves everyone the cost of a ticket.

I think the Counting Crows said it best in Round Here: "Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs." Err, maybe not - that should be we're sacrificed> like lambs. Oh well. (UNDER)

Torch: I seriously live 2 blocks from the Scientology headquarters and they are planning a big party this weekend. Expect this to affect ticket sales. Does anybody but psycho Tom Cruise fans watch his movies anymore? (WAY UNDER)

P2 (N/A) - No preview/review for this, but over at Variety they say what we all could've guessed: "P2 struggles to maintain its momentum because there's simply not enough to do in a parking garage to fill out a feature film."

Troy: Because in an age of constant busyness, this is the best way we can come up with to ask out a girl. (N/A)

Torch: I can think of how to fill a feature film in a parking lot if you know what I mean. And no one ever wanted their money back. WINK WINK.... (N/A)

No Country for Old Men ($27.5 million) - Oh Peter Travers, always trying to upstage the movie with your review, always mixing more nonsensical metaphors than when Chef Boyardee bakes a cake in a blender on St. Patty's day:

No Country doesn't have to preach or wave a flag — it carries in its bones the virus of what we've become. The Coens squeeze us without mercy in a vise of tension and suspense, but only to force us to look into an abyss of our own making.
Troy: Ohhh, that's count-ry...the title might be more accurate the other way. (OVER)

Torch: I already called the ACLU and they said it is illegal to force someone to leave a country due to age, race, religion or sexual orientation. This entire movie is moot. (OVER)

Lake Dead (N/A) - Unsurprisingly, this was not screened for critics ahead of time...which is synonymous with saying it sucks. It also didn't get the memo about Halloween being on the 31st of October this year.

Troy: The synopsis promises brutal torture, murder, incest, and necrophilia. Logistically, how does that work? (N/A)

Torch: A more compelling plot might have been for "Lake Deed" . Yup, a movie about a child who inherits a boat with a dead person on it. (N/A)

Troy (0-0)
Torch (0-0)

Fred Claus - OVER
Lions For Lambs - OVER
No Country for Old Men - UNDER
Fred Claus - OVER
Lions for Lambs - OVER
No Country for Old Men - OVER

Torch is funny!
Is Torch a real person?

Disasters, at least you don't talk like you write in real life.
fred claus - over
lions for lambs - under
p2 - under
no country for old men - over
lake dead - under
fred claus - over
lions for lambs - way under
p2 - way under
no country for old men - ahh.. n/a
lake dead - way under
Four thoughts:

1. Thanks for the weekend warnings.

2. How could this be the "regular Friday blah, blah, blah ..." when ou just started this blog Monday?

3. I have no idea what the Chef Boyardee comment meant. Torch, you been doing Leeroy Jenkins?

4. And, yes, Kamchatka, Torch is a real person. Didn't you see him in the "South Park" Imaginationland trilogy?
How does that song go again?

imaginaaation imaginaaaaaation..imagination, imagination, imagination..

Fred Claus - b/c it's PG (OVER)
Lions for Lambs - too many old people (UNDER)
No Country for Old Men - See above

btw - I originally thought one of the writers was way funnier than the other... but I didn't give the other enough credit. Time will tell.

1. You're welcome.

2. Obviously, my explanation implies that it will be a regular segment.

3. The Chef Boyardee comment is supposed to be a nonsensical mix of metaphors...hence the joke.

4. Saw the third part of that trilogy...didn't think it was one of the better episodes.

Torch is indeed a real person. I wish I could take credit for his hilarity, but alas, I cannot.
P2 - Over, just because I saw so many freakin ads for it during Colbert Report and Daily Show.

No Country - Over, though the awesome violence may hurt box office.

Fred Claus - Under, just to be a contrarian.

Lions for Lambs - Under. That D rating by Yahoo users is a bad indicator, but maybe all the AARP members in America will go see it, negating those darn whippersnappers and their internet machines.
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