Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Thomas Kinkade's Home for Christmas

(Opening- Hopefully Not)
Imagine if you were a movie producer, and you had your pick of THOUSANDS of scripts. You have access to scripts about sports teams that could, highschoolers trying to get laid, your basic shoot and kill movie and the always relevant courtroom drama.

How then, do you walk into your boss's office and tell him that the next big movie is going to be about the life of an artist? Your boss would raise his eyebrows a bit, but be intrigued to find out which interesting artist you thought would be worthy of a major motion picture. Here comes the kicker. Not only is it about an artist, but it is about an artist that paints plates and mini Christmas villages often up for grabs at silent PTA auctions attended by 40-something-year-old-right-wing-Christian-yuppies. Thomas Kinkade..

Listen to this synopsis:

" Barely out of school and still searching for his voice as an artist, twenty-year-old Thom looks forward to another idyllic holiday in his hometown of Placerville, CA...... the town’s tourist industry is failing, Thom’s ailing, once-brilliant mentor, Glen, has lost his ability to paint, and Thom’s spirited mother, MaryAnne, reveals that she’s losing their family home to foreclosure."

Seriously, the most interesting thing about that movie plot is my own personal revelation that you can spell Tom, with an H. Thom? What the crap..

Now, I respect this producer's thought that an artist's life would make a good movie, but what makes Thomas Kinkade qualified. Couldn't he have found not only a better painter, but a painter with a more interesting life?! I know growing up on the streets of Placerville can lead to some intense drama, but COME ON. Since he obviously couldn't do the legwork for this movie, I took the liberty of doing my own research. I present to you, "Artists with more interesting lives than Thomas Kinkade." (at least the first 3 out of 46,594,586,095,804,565,324,704,084,032,843 of them)

1.) Vincent van Gogh- The title role would be played by Christopher Walken.( See the resemblance?) The story would briefly visit Van Gogh's days as both a teacher and a missionary, but it's main plot would focus on the mad genius that Van Gogh became in his later days. We would see Van Gogh's demise eventually be his own mind as he decided to cut off his ear and check into a psychiatric home. Possible causes: Alcoholism, Eating paint.(Probably from China)

Fernando Botero- Ah, the esteemed "painter of fat women". Bonus points for being Columbian. Just to make the movie more interesting we would throw in a drug trafficking charge in which Botero used his paintings extra large proportions to smuggle in more drugs than the competitors.

Drug Lord- Ah, how does Botero do it?

Minion- Fat chicks.....

Agostino Tassi- This has to be my personal favorite. This movie starts as a story of hidden origins. Tassi told people he was from Rome in order to gain nobility when in reality he was from Placerville-- I mean Perugia. Tassi was known as a painter of frescoes until one day his partners daughter claimed that he tried to get fresh with (raped) her. Known as a man of " turbulent character and dissolute habits" Tassi was later accused of hiring bandits to kill his wife, and raping another wife and sister-in-law. He also stole some things on the side. And you thought 50 cent's life story was interesting....

Now, was that so hard?

Maybe the producer was just blinded by "The Painter of Light."

Update: This movie will actually not be coming out this Christmas due to some music rights issues. I didn't even know music had rights......

Anyways, this could be legit, OR it could be an attempt for the studio to back out without looking like complete idiots. It is pretty sad when the only thing that might help your movie next year is if the person it is based on dies. I would watch your back if I was you Tom with an H!

The same Thomas Kinkade who was being investigated by the FBI last year for fraud?

And by the way, Torch, the fat lady painter is Colombian, not a Columbia alum.
wow... really enjoyed reading this
someone has done his research!
These two guys are extremly smart. They are very dedicated to their craft. ANd good at Rock Band.
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