Monday, November 12, 2007

The Mist

Trailer (Opens 11/21)

Let me set the scene for the movie: a mysterious mist rolls in on a lake town, and everybody makes a mad dash for the grocery store. The locals remain inside, while all of Hell and Watto (pictured right) are banging on the windows to get in. One person needs to go outside to "check on" the Mist, and prove to the audience how dangerous it really is. He will inevitably die an early and brutal death. Will it be...

a) Thomas Jane - the family man, with a wife and child, who first discovers that something is amiss, and whose axe-wielding skills are second to none.

b) Marcia Harden - the crazy religious woman whose backwards theology will play a role at some point.


c) The EBM (Expendable Black Man) - developed a half-century ago in the horror genre, an archetypal character for all slashers/supernatural attacks/zombie movies, whose death marks the beginning of the true terror.

If you picked (C), you may now cross the picket lines to become a Hollywood screenwriter. Much has been written in recent years about this phenomenon, including references in South Park and Scary Movie. While there is some debate whether this character is really the result of writing or just uninspired casting, one thing remains true - you can't have a horror movie without him. He has also been known to appear in action movies/thrillers.

And so, if you ever find yourself in a cave filled with blood-sucking vampire ghosts or strolling through a jungle filled with dinosaur-spiders, let me offer the following bits of advice:

  1. Do NOT try and scoop up the gold in the rocks/jungle floor. Trust me. It might look like a lot of money, but those gold coins will inevitably be the first things to fall into the vampire-ghost-dinosaur-spider-shark-gorilla's (VGDSSG) mouth when he lifts you above his head.

  2. Do NOT say things like “Oh my God we're all going to die, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE” and then go running alone into the opposite direction. You may think you're running away from the VGDSSG, but you can bet there is another one waiting for you.

  3. Do NOT be black (unless you are Denzel Washington, Will Smith, or Morgan Freeman). This one you don't have much control over, and it is unfortunate.

The ONLY time you can make the EBM thing work is when it is Samuel L. Jackson. I suggest you watch this clip to prove it. ALL 45 seconds. Oh, and you may just recognize the other character in that piece as well.

Anyhow, the rest of the trailer is pretty guarded as to what's in the mist and how thing's develop. One thing we know for sure: this is a BAD mist. Let's see how it appears in the context of our evilness chart of mists (click to enlarge picture):

From left to right: a “Mister Fan”, The Mists of Avalon, The Fog, The Mist, Gorillas in the Mist.

Torch, can you think of any more evil mists?

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