Sunday, November 11, 2007

Love in the Time of Cholera

Trailer (Opens 11/16)Ah, Love in the Time of Cholera, I write these notes to say "I love you."

You are the most pretended-to-have-read-and-liked-solely-to-score-with-chicks novel this side of Pride and Prejudice, and you show no signs of slowing.

The term to describe you and your author, Magical Realism, has and will continue to be the rallying cry of pseudo-intellectual douchebags and meaningless college essays for years to come, and the cast choices in your movie remain as nonsensical as the many sentences that grace your pages. My heart yearns for thee.

Of course, perhaps the only thing more pretentious and toolish than "Magical Realism" itself is this guy:
Now, I know what you're thinking -- is there really such a lack of big name Latino actors that John Leguizamo has to get the main role in this?

Well, don't worry, because he is not the main character. Believe it or not, he is supposed to be the girl-on-the-right's FATHER. Seriously. Leguizamo, at a young-looking 43, plays the father of the 33-year-old Giovanna Mezzogiorno, and prevents her from marrying her "true love".

Don't worry, though, because Legs makes up for it with his usual over-the-top acting style. If you go to Leguizamo's IMDB biography, you get the following tidbit: "Listed as one of twelve 'Promising New Actors of 1991' in John Willis' Screen World, Vol. 44". This is eerily reminiscent of a line from the Simpsons, where Krusty the Klown gets introduced as “the man Spencer Tracy called the most promising newcomer of 1959”. The point being -- when they're still pointing to your promise of 16 years ago, John, you might want to question doing that sequel to Honeymooners.

Anyhow, Plain-looking Girl's father forces her to marry the Benjamin Bratt exchange for three hens and a dairy cow. Here is a picture of Benjie thoroughly enjoying himself (John Leguizamo has been cut from the frame due to X-Rated content):
Ah yes. It reminds me of the good old days of Law and Order, when Bratt played Lennie’s plucky young detective partner. You would always forget he was Latino until he busted out the Spanish on a suspect in handcuffs. Or when some white supremacist refused to speak with him, telling him he doesn’t like his “kind”, and you’re scratching your head for ten seconds until you remember “oh yeah, he’s Latino, I guess…” Somehow it was supposed to give him street cred. I miss those days, and Jerry Orbach in particular.

Speaking of Law and Order, I thought this would be an excellent chance to unveil some of the research I've done and look at the major-role resume of Lennie’s ex-partner detectives since they left the show:

Benjamin Bratt (Detective Curtis)
Chris Noth (Detective Logan)
Jesse Martin (Detective Green)
I mean, those are positively Coldplay-esque, right?

Back to the trailer – really, the book would be like every other waiting-for-love story, except that Marquez is slightly crazy. This means that if they truly translate his dream to screen, you can expect long womanizing binges and herniated testicles carted around in wheelbarrows (seriously, read the mangled mess that is Autumn of the Patriarch). Enjoy.

Just for fun, here are more hats!:

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