Reel Intelligence

Trailer N/A (Opening 11/30)

When I saw that Flawless had two fairly big-name stars (Moore and Caine), and yet was only a limited release and projected to make $750K, I began to grow curious. A quick search of "Flawless" revealed the existence of a terrible 1999 movie with Robert DeNiro by the same name, about "an ultraconservative security guard [who] suffers a debilitating stroke and is assigned to a rehabilitative program that includes singing lessons--with the drag queen next door", and my curiosity turned to suspicion. Now, I'm no conspiracy buff, but is it to crazy to believe that DeNiro, with all his Hollywood connections, is somehow trying to put out a "dummy" movie to cover up the existence of this old one? That perhaps, in like five years, there will be a systematic attack on certain DVD vendors, and thereafter any leftover references to a movie called "Flawless" will be attributed to this 2007 heist film? Honestly, it's something to keep an eye on.

But onto the "new" Flawless...by the looks of things, it would seem that Demi Moore has gone from cradle-snatcher to grave-robber. (Pause for previous joke to set in). She teams up with the remarkably spry, 74-year-old Michael Caine in this flick, thus taking a page straight from the Connery and Zeta-Jones in Entrapment playbook.


In fact, both Flawless and Entrapment employ a similar tactic, especially when trying to downplay the disgusting Hugh Heffner angle. First, they cast brunette women in the leading roles (instead of blondes), and second, they make sure the respective male leads (Connery and Caine) have been knighted by the Queen of England, thus confirming their uprightness. Now if you call Michael Caine a pervert, you'll have the entire British Navy coming after you.

Of course, there is perhaps more to learn about our society based on the subtle DIFFERENCES between these two artistic gems than from their similarities. For one, we see that levels of attractiveness in people MUST be matched. While Sean Connery -- the manliest man in all Mantown -- can pull the insanely hot Catherine Zeta-Jones, the Alec Guinness clone that is Michael Caine must settle for the company of a more Plain (G.I.) Jane.

Two, we realize that money is required to buy attractiveness. In Entrapment, Sean Connery is a retired thief...so plenty of dough still in the bank. On the other hand, Michael Caine plays a janitor. Really, this job is beneath him -- one look should tell you that he was born to play the role of a British butler -- and the results are unsurprising. It should be even less surprising, based on the levels of attractiveness in the cast, that the budget for Entrapment was $66 million (almost $90 million by 2007 standards), whereas Flawless is only planned for limited release.

So, how was this $66 million for Entrapment spent?
Oh yeah. Now we are left to wonder what the quarter-million, Demi Moore equivalent will be.

Anyhow, from the synopsis, we get the following information: "'Flawless' is a crime - drama set in 1960 London, where a soon to retire janitor (Michael Caine) convinces a glass-ceiling constrained American executive (Demi Moore) to help him steal a handful of diamonds from their employer, the London Diamond Corporation."

Demi Moore is constrained by a glass-ceiling?! This is an absolute travesty! Think of all the things she's accomplished in her day that have NOTHING to do with her gender: sex with a non-tactile being, million dollar prostitution, seducing and sexually harassing an employee, stripping for a senator...I mean, come on! Anybody who has THESE movie posters on her resume should not possibly be overlooked for a job:


Errr, right. As mentioned previously, the film is only projected to make about $750K, and that is ridiculous. Now that men of this world know that Moore will date ANYTHING between the ages of 20 and 80, that's got to bring a few numbers to the theater, right? RIGHT?