Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Enchanted

Trailer (Opens 11/21)
Wait...Disney's Enchanted is a movie and a cartoon? WHAT?! That is some cutting edge technology right there. I have NEVER seen a movie like this before! Uh, well I guess there was Roger Rabbit like 15 years ago-- oh and then there was Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and The Incredible Mr. Limpet about 40 years ago, but who's counting the clones?













Seriously, Disney may not be Gregor Mendel when it comes to inventing the hybrid, but they are good at milking the cash-cow, and right now the cash-cow is movies making fun of the whole "Princess and Prince fall in love and get married with the help of their magical animal friends" idea.

The first big shock comes right away when we find out that the main princess role will not be played by Anne Hathaway. Who is this impostor you might ask? Jim's Ex from The Office! Yup, but just in case you might feel like eating a poison apple in a fit of depression, Disney throws you a figurative prince charming and casts Julie Andrews as the narrator. Ahh, British accents are soooo magical......

However, the most inspired casting decision comes with the appearance of Prince Edward, played by James Marsden. What is it about this guy that makes women in movies want to cheat on him? When it comes to pursuing "taken" women, I believe the saying is "just because there is a goalie it doesn't mean you can't score"... but with the frequency this guy's chicks get stolen, he must always be dating in the third period, down by 1 and with a pulled goalie. Let's examine those men who have taken advantage of the empty net:


Wolverine- A human cyborg who has had his skeleton reinforced with adamantium. He should lend some of his metal coating and regenerative ability to James' heart. Would you rather date "boring-pretty-boy" cyclops or "bad-ass womanizing" wolverine?

You don't need laser-preventing Oakleys to see the answer clearly.






Ryan Golsling- Persistence is this character's super ability. He "wrote every day for a year." The effect of writing without the use of an ergonomic pen can be devastating, but somehow Gosling's character(even with a bird's-nest of a beard) manages to foil the rich army veteran and take his girl for some steamy rain soaked humping.

Beat out by a stalker. Oh man.




Patrick Dempsey- The worst defeat is when you get beat by someone that does the same thing you do, only better. This is that defeat for James. He must use his awesome hair and dashing smile to fight awesome hair and a dashing smile. I can imagine this intense scene where they smile at each other and their smiles meet in midair. Almost like a Care Bear Stare, or when Harry Potter and Voldemort's wands collide.

The smile energy would slowly move towards Dempsey, but then he would fight back with a surge of smile, and it would go towards James. Then Dempsey would pull out the smile of all smiles and blast James off his feet. Then he would steal his woman. Yup... That is what will happen in this movie..












( 2 pictures of Patrick Dempsey. So what.. If girls smiled that pretty I would post them in my blog too.)

The trailer goes on to show how no one even notices these weird dressed people running around on the streets of New York because, well, it is New York. We also get an angry, fat, black women bus driver who starts to say a bad word, but is cut off in the middle of her rant right before she says %$#*@.

It reminds me a lot of this movie. A bunch of stuff that I have seen 100 motha-

Comments:
I think I will be sick of looking on smily guys for a long time after this review...

going for:
Wolverine: maybe, without all the metallic things
Ryan Golsling: maybe, need haircut
Patrick Dempsey: nope, looks sleazy
James Marsden: nope, too sleazy

and.. I will not be watching this movie.

M.C.
 
I feel very offended with your review of Enchanted. Unlike you guys, I am very secure with my sexuality and have no shame in the possibility of this movie being a Disney classic. I hope that homophobic blogs like this will BURN IN HELL!!!!!
 
BURN BURN BURN
 
hehe you forgot to mention his role of Richard White in Superman Returns... soon to be dumped by long-time fiancee Lois Lane for Superman. this guy never gets a break, does he?
 
pretty sure in ally mcbeal. too
 
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