Reel Intelligence

We're Back!

2009-08-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Good news everybody...we're back up and running, this time at Reel Stupid (www.reelstupid.com)

You'll still find all the same quality preview reviews, and this site will still contain all of its current posts for historical purposes.

Weekend Warning

2007-12-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

Once again, it's that time of the week, where we give you one last warning about this weekend's upcoming movies. You can click on the links of the movies below to get our original and humorous forecasts. We also guess over/under on the weekend box office numbers, play in the comments for bragging rights.

First order of business - last week's predictions. Unsurprisingly, Awake hit the under, bringing in a mere $5.9 million (under the $7.0 million). But let's look at something I said in my preview review: "I'm guessing we'll get at least ten critics saying the following line: 'The movie may be called AWAKE, but this thing is sure to put you to SLEEP.' " Now, I'm not a big gloater, but...

1) Peter Hammond, Maxim - "Using this information, the filmmakers of Awake have crafted a domestic thriller that just may end up putting you ASLEEP." [Note: shouldn't it be 'to sleep'?]

2) Frank Swietek, One Guy's Opinion - "A would-be psychological thriller without much psychology and even fewer thrills, 'Awake' is more likely to put you to sleep."

3) Liz Braun, JAM! Movies - "Awake will put you to sleep."

4) Gina Carbone, Seacoast Newspapers - "Awake Review: Best stay asleep"

5) Gary Brown, Houston Community Newspapers - "You're better off sleeping than to sit through 'Awake'"

6) Wesley Morrison, Boston Globe - "A thriller that could put viewers to sleep."

7) Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinal - "You might fall asleep during 'Awake'"

8) Dustin Putman, The Movie Boy - "Awake will probably make you wish you hadn't been."

Okay, so that's only eight, but there were a few questionable ones using a similar theme but with the word "paralysis" instead of "sleep". Also, this is only a quick search through the 40 reviewers qualified enough to appear on Rotten Tomatoes...I'm sure scouring the internet will bring up much more. Regardless, we see that it's not only movie makers that go after the low-hanging fruit...

The Golden Compass ($40.0 million) - From Bill Goodykoontz over at The Arizona Republic - "THE GOLDEN COMPASS: controversial statement on free will vs. religious oppression or disjointed, hard-to-follow fantasy-action flick for kids? Let's go with the latter." Yup, disjointed...kind of like that sentence.

Troy: Hmmm, it looks like since Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise parted ways, they've each done pretty well for themselves. Nicole plays a role where she leads a church that wants to conquer the world and brainwash little children, and Tom Cruise ACTUALLY leads a Church that wants to conquer the world and ...err, let's just say they still have a lot in common. (UNDER)

Torch: Kids all over the country are going to be sneaking into the theaters to see this one.. "Hey mom, me and the guys are going to see Atonement. Be back after curfew." Ah, now they can go to hell for seeing the movie AND lying. (UNDER)

Atonement ($9.3 million) - David Ansen at Newsweek tells us, "No two-hour film could ever capture all the riches of McEwan's masterly novel. But Wright and Hampton's Atonement comes tantalizingly close, while adding sensual delights all its own." Based on some of those descriptors, you wonder if this movie is something you eat. (OVER)

Troy: Once again, nothing more than a period piece...on two levels.

Torch: Did Oprah like this movie? Cause if she did, I do... (UNDER)

Revolver (N/A) - Only a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. The prophesy is being fulfilled!

Troy: New plot for movie: Rogaine dispatches a group of henchmen to kill Jason Stratham, because he rocks the bald look so well. Says a henchman, "I'm going to SCALP you." Stratham then dodges a knife strike, and, retorts, "Just a HAIR off." Says the other henchman, "Uggh, that was terrible."

Torch: I always like these movies because I always understand at least 1 storyline. If I happen to understand two out of the 14 it is like a free bonus movie.

Grace is Gone (N/A) - Once in a while, you just have to tip your hat to a critic. Here's to you, Nick Schager at Slant Magazine: "It's the Paul Haggis version of National Lampoon's Vacation."

Troy: Having not seen this movie, nor the trailer, I can only surmise that Grace, is indeed, not here.

Torch: If Hilary Clinton was president, Grace would NOT be gone. I will be....

Troy (3-5)
Torch (7-1)

I am Legend

2007-12-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

Ah yes. It is time for the movie of the year. I am Legend stars Will Smith in a remake of 1971's Omega man. Now, I got VERY excited when I heard someone say this, but it ends up that I misheard, and they will NOT be making a remake of "Mega Man." Granted, I was confused when I heard about this because I didn't know how they would decide which Mega Man game to make into a movie. They had about Mega Man 1 through 20 to pick from.

Then I thought about how hard it would be to turn Mega Man into a movie, and realized it would be darn near impossible. You know how Jack Bauer has to kill like 4 underlings in order to get to the main guy at the end, and each time you think you got the main guy but it really wasn't? (It always ends up being God's fault) Well, this happens in every game of Mega Man. Each game has about 8 bosses and they are all wicked talented. They all have special talents that they are named after. My personal favorite was DustMan. He was good at collecting dust or something. He was awesome.

Ah, but out of my dreamland and back to I am Legend. The synopsis reads:

"Robert Neville (Will Smith) is a brilliant scientist, but even he could not contain the terrible virus that was unstoppable, incurable…and manmade. Somehow immune,"-- Hold the phone... You just said it was unstoppable, incurable, and manmade, and then you told me someone was immune. I don't get it.

Oh yippee, and aren't we lucky that the last man on earth is a brilliant scientist?!?! Imagine if we got left we Paris Hilton or Howard Stern (One would do nothing, and the other would do anything including but not limited to zombies and animals).

Anyways, this movie got me thinking. Imagine this scenario:

You get bumped into by strange man on the street who drops his watch. You pick it up and try to chase him, but he is walking too fast. You follow him down an ally and watch him jump into a dumpster. Naturally, you follow and blam! You are transported to the dark ages.

Now, here is the question. How many inventions could you recreate? I am stupid. I watch TV, listen to my IPOD, and play on my computer and I guarantee that I would be one of the idiots dumping my pale of poop out onto the street and into the same water I would be DRINKING from later. I couldn't invent anything! I would be a bigger loser back then than I am now. Tomorrow, I am making a transistor radio.

We are all worthless space holders. (some bigger than others)

Yuck.. Better hurry before I puke.....

I will probably go see this movie. I expect the character interactions to be even better than Tom Hanks and Wilson in Castaway.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

2007-12-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

I would like to introduce you to this movie the same way I was, so check out the original teaser trailer.
Now, can you see what we suffered in that theater? Those first forty seconds of the trailer are simply build-up, forcing your guard down and tricking you into believing that this is a preview for a new Beatles movie. They show hysterical women screaming, and the voice-overs saying things like "their music defined a generation." Then, right when you hit that 41 second mark, darkness falls. The chipmunks squeaky voices penetrate the air with their atrocious rendition of "Funky Town". You long for the sweet sound of a nearby grenade. The other theater patrons can only curse at their Red Vines for being too short and weak for self-strangulation. And all you can do is cover your ears and mumble, "The horror, the horror!"
And we're left with this question: how has one franchise survived on the same gimmick for so long? Their Chipmunk voices are high-pitched, kind of like real chipmunks...we get it. Believe me. Every kid enjoys mimicking the sound by doubling the speed of a cassette, record, WAV file, or whatever for about ten seconds. Then they grow up, their ears become more sensitive to those damned high-pitched mongrels, and so every Christmas when that stupid song plays and the line about a "Hoola Hoop" comes on, they want to jab a spike down the back of Alvin's throat. It's the circle of life.
But let's get back to that trailer. The voice-over starts out: "They came from nowhere to become an overnight sensation. Their music defined a generation. And then, suddenly, they disappeared." Why did they disappear? The first reason I already mentioned - they only have one gimmick. The second reason:

That's right, there's only enough room in town for one set of chipmunks. Chip and Dale were just a bunch of schmucks early on in Disney cartoons, content to play mere ancillary roles. But with Rescue Rangers, they cemented themselves as the most bad-ass chipmunks around, and nobody was going to challenge them. Just hearing the intro song, "Sometimes, some crimes, go slipping through the cracks..." gives me goosebumps.

Anyhow, given that the first forty-five second of this trailer are wasted, the makers of the film could only pick one gag to put in there, one joke that would unite all humorous forces in this movie into one bit of 15 second hilarity. What did they go with?

A poop joke. For your benefit, I will reset the scene:

Jason Lee: Whao, Theodore, did you just...? (Pointing at a Theodore poo nugget)

Alvin: Relax, Dave, it's just a raisin.

Jason Lee: Prove it.

Alvin: (Eats the poo nugget) Mmmm mmm. (Licks fingers)

Jason Lee: Okay.

Alvin: (To Theodore) Dude, you owe me big time!

There are so many things wrong with this, but I'll take the time to point out a few. 1) Does anybody but six year olds find the whole raisin vs. poo nugget thing funny? 2) Do we want to teach said six year olds that it's funny to eat other people's feces? Consider a movie like The Power of One where Morgan Freeman being force to eat crap is the ultimate symbol of slavery and humiliation. 3) Once again, can we consider how gross this actually is? 4) What is Alvin's motivation here? On the one hand, you have Jason Lee's character that doesn't seem particularly angry. On the other hand, you must endure Theodore's excrement against your taste buds. Huh? What kind of beating does Jason Lee lay on them that they would be terrified enough to eat crap?!
On second thought, maybe this whole feeding-you-crap thing DOES summarize the movie as a whole. It follows every formula for a crappy CGI cartoon-turned-movie (see Garfield), from uninspired actor just trying to live through the filming (Jason Lee), to non-threatening but upbeat song that was at the height of it's popularity seven years ago (Blink 182, All the Small Things), and even a coffee-makes-you-hyper joke (see picture earlier in post).
Enjoy your crap-that-looks-like-a-raisin.

The Perfect Holiday

2007-12-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/14)

I am concerned...Concerned about this post. I am concerned that it will become more a rant than comical (I think) observations. This movie is that bad. This movie leeches from that many movies. This movie has that many stereo-types (the foremost being a nasty one about African-American's poor taste in movies (anything with Eddy Murphy)).

Now, I realize that this movie is, "An African American take on the classic and beloved Christmas family film," but what the heck does that mean? Are we so different that now we need black and white (no, not as in before color television) versions of our movies? And does this mean we can just switch out black characters for white characters and visa versa? I would love to see a white version of the Barbershop. It would be titled Supercuts.

"There are three things white people need to tell the truth about:

One- Eminem isn't white. He is a black albino.....

Two- Thomas Jefferson was definitely sleeping with his slaves.

Three- Mark Fuhrman framed OJ.

Can we get straight and gay versions of movies next? What about a straight version of Top Gun? ( funny clip)

Ok..... Enough of that, on to the trailer and synopsis....

"The first African American ensemble comedy for the Christmas season, The Perfect Holiday stars Gabrielle Union.......yada yada yada......."

This is just a lie. Trust me. I know. I just avoided reviewing a movie last week that was the EXACT same thing! This Christmas just came out, and if I am not mistaken it was the first African American ensemble comedy of the season.

Which came first? The bad Christmas movie based on cliche, or the worse Christmas movie based on cliche?

Ug.. I feel myself slipping into rant mode. For that reason I will simply finish this post with a small smattering of the cliches that this movie uses.

1.) Single mom struggles with raising children, loneliness during the holidays, and cooking spaghetti. Just the situation I like to take advantage of...

2.) Man lies about what kind of work he does. He really works at the mall part-time, but he tells the woman he sells office supplies.... If you are going to lie about this, shouldn't at least make your lie impressive?

3.) Kids resist the new man in their mother's life. Seriously, didn't Are We There Yet already do the African American retelling of this cliche?

I can't even mention them all. I also can't mention my plea enough times, PLEASE DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE! It only encourages people to make more of these movies....

The Kite Runner

2007-12-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/14 limited, 12/28 wide)
At first I thought this was one of those "be grateful for what you have" stories. It's wide release is scheduled AFTER Christmas, so you'd think when kids started complaining about getting Guitar Hero instead of Rock Band, parents could take them to see this movie and say, "see, you got a fun video game, and all they get to play with is a stupid kite." Then those kids would remember the thing that's collecting dust in the attic, that was once bought at a garage sale and will similarly be sold at a garage sale, and kiss their precious copy of Guitar Hero.

But as it turns out, the kites in this movie are a GOOD thing. Even crazier, most of the kids don't fly the kites themselves...no, they watch until a kite has been cut from its string, then "run" and chase it down. Basically, they're like ball-boys in tennis, except they don't get paid. Ummmm....awesome? We should teach these kids 52-card pick-up if they REALLY want to be entertained. Regardless, you should start buying your stock in the Mary Poppins right now, because kites are making a comeback. (P.S. I AM aware that you buy stock in companies, and that you can't invest in movie characters, okay?)

Anyway, as we've already seen, orphan movies are in this holiday season. But unlike the American version, where the boy gets to find both of his parents, the Afghan boy can merely hope for a proxy at best. This happens to be a man who knew the boy's father very well, as we are reassured in the trailer ("two friends, as close as brothers"):
Well, they appear to be friends, but not THAT close. Can we do better?

Hmm, that's a little better, I suppose, but the one kid might just be really interested in the book...

THAT'S IT! When you've got each other in a mutual choke-hold around the neck, you know you've hit the friendship jackpot.

So yeah, the whole point is the "redemption" of the main character, which is required because of betraying this close, close, so very very close friend. As already mentioned, this redemption takes the form of rescuing the child. Along the way he will need to fight the Taliban, who, along with harboring terrorists, have also placed an unjust and horrible universal ban on kites. How will our guy do it? With the help of modern day's extreme disguising technology...a fake beard.
Godspeed, Mr. Protagonist.

Weekend Warning

2007-11-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

It is a slow weekend for opening movies, as anything worth seeing already had it's release date bumped up for Thanksgiving weekend or was pushed back to capitalize on the Christmas crowd. Nonetheless, we play our weekly game of guessing the over/under for the weekend box office numbers...you can play along in the comments.

Awake ($7.0 million) - There are no reviews out for Awake at the time of writing this. Just remember my prediction...at some point, a reviewer will play the whole "Awake definitely put me to sleep" card.

Troy: It appears operating tables are the new place to discuss evil plans. (UNDER)

Torch: After this movie, it seems like the smart thing to do is to not be put under when undergoing a major surgery. Just suck it up... (UNDER)

Teeth (N/A) - Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), Awake is the only widely released movie coming out this weekend. There are a host of limited-release/artsy/crap movies coming out as well, most of which I don't care about. However, it's difficult to ignore the synopsis for Teeth: "High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence."

Did I mention that this is not a comedy either?

Troy: Speechless. I'm lightyears away from being mature enough for this thing.

Torch: Is this something you have to disclose before you start dating someone, or can I-- I mean they keep it secret until the other person just finds out????

About last week: Okay, so I went 0-4...but it's just as hard to go 0-4 in over/under as it is 4-0, right?

Enchanted squeaked out over the $34.0 million, getting $34.4 million. I needed some bad luck to go 0-4, and this was the first bit of it.

Hitman got $13.2 million, destroying the $9.8 million mark, and I think I was right to assume it was a poor movie by the lack of the reviews. It now has a whopping 11% (!!!!) on Rotten Tomatoes, but people still shelled out the dough for this travesty. (*Simpson Quote Alert*) I hate the public so much! If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay!

August Rush raked in $9.4 million, well above the $7.3 million line. What I don't get is this - who is seeing this movie that isn't seeing Enchanted instead?! It's the same crowd! They can't all just be left-overs from sold out Enchanted theaters, right? This one pissed me off the most.

The Mist, of course, hit the under ($8.9 mil of $11.0 mil) . I'm not surprised by this...I actually thought all the movies would hit the under, but guessed the Mist to go over for a myriad of reasons, apparently none of them sound.

Troy (2-5)
Torch (6-1)

Grace is Gone

2007-11-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/7)

I have decided that we don't give away enough free stuff on this site. So here is a trivia question. The winner will take home one free hour of private drum lessons (by me) on Rockband.

What was the last decent movie that John Cusack was in?

A.) Martian Child

B.) Must Love Dogs

C.) Runaway Jury

D.) The Ice Harvest

And the answer is FALSE.... None of these movies are good... The reason why you haven't seen a good movie with John Cusack is because you were probably like 14 when his last good (possibly great) one came out. Yup, I was 14 when High Fidelity came out, which meant I could not go out and see it in the theaters. This left me to believe that John Cusack's best movie was Serendipity until I was in college and was taught differently by my dorm mate. He also showed me this HORRIBLE movie with heroin, speed, gameshows, dildos and other weird stuff. More like Requiem for a NIGHTMARE....

No good movies since 2000! Johny, you need a new agent. Call Me! Use a phone... Don't come to my house with a boombox... thanks...

It's ok though... The great thing about Hollywood is that you can make one good movie and then make boring sappy romantic comedies for 8+ years. Cusack is due for a good movie. I can feel it. Sadly, this is NOT that movie. It looks so promising too, but come along with me and I will show you why the only good thing about this movie for Cusack is that it is in limited release, and only pretentious people will go see it...

Title- Grace is Gone. Hmm.. I like the alliteration. I feel it could have been stronger with a little bit more. Possibly "Grace Gets Gone", or "Grumpy Grace is Gone."

I also wish that the title gave up a little less of the movie. No one likes a girl that gives it up on the first date (wait... nevermind). Grace is gone leaves no room for my mind to turn. Now, with a title like "Grace Might Be Gone", I am intrigued. I want to know, "Is she gone? Why is she gone? What are the consequences of her being gone?" I feel like this title traps my imagination.

Synopsis- Let me break this movie down for you very quickly.

Soldier( John Cusack) can't fight in the war because of bad eyesight. They turn people down because of eyesight? Do you even have to be literate to be in the army?

Soldier's wife (Grace) is still in the war as a Sergeant. They won't let a man with bad vision fight, but they let a WOMAN fight? Isn't that the biggest handicap of all?

Man struggles at home to raise 2 daughters. Um.... okay....

Wife Dies. This doesn't come as a shock if you read the title

Man does not tell his daughters that their mother is dead. Great... The audience has known the wife is dead since they bought their movie ticket, and you aren't even going to tell your daughters?

Man takes kids on road trip. Huh? Did I walk into a Tom Green, or possibly even worse, Ice Cube movie?

Man takes children to the place they want to go the most. Oh, I get it. He wants to get them to a really happy high point in life so that when he hits them with the bad news their emotional drop won't be as bad... wait... nevermind... He is an idiot.

Man bonds with daughters. Yup, cause it is easy to bond with your daughters once you know that your wife is dead. It puts you in a mood that any daughter is sure to love.

Man tells daughters their mother is dead. I am not sure about this part, but he has to right? He can't not tell them. They respond calmly, "Dad, it is ok. This whole road trip bonding thing really prepared us for the most traumatic information we could possibly receive in life. Thanks for softening the blow."

The End

Conclusion- The only thing more dead than Grace is John Cusack's career.....

Revolver

2007-11-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/7)

Revolver marks the long-anticipated return of Guy Ritchie. Unfortunately, despite
being a fan of his previous movies, I have my doubts about this one living up to that
standard. Sure, there is some negative buzz, but this isn't necessarily the reason.
And yeah, Madonna has now had seven years to work her Kabbalah on him, but I don't think
it's that either. No, it's the Quentin Tarantino Axiom that has me concerned.
The QTA:

Both Ritchie and Tarantino started out in Hollywood just doing the writing thing, then took some of that money and began making their own movies. Both had their off-beat, darkly humorous multi-plotted first movie become a cult classic (Reservoir Dogs for Tarantino and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels for Ritchie), despite limited funding and distribution.

They kept this odd form of storytelling up for their next movies (Pulp Fiction for Tarantino and Snatch for Ritchie), recycling many of the same actors, and it resulted in a commercial success. People then marked their calender, eagerly awaiting the next arrival.

But really, we know, this is the peak in quality. Look what happened with Tarantino - he started appearing on shows like TRL, and all of the sudden his cult fanbase of smart-ass basement geeks felt betrayed. Quentin was not some misunderstood genius that cut himself to feel something...no, he was just another dude snuggling up with the immensely talentless Carson Daily. He never reached anything near Pulp Fiction again (Kill Bill volumes sucked), and people got sick of his mug.

There is hope for Guy, however, to avoid this trap. For one, his name is “Guy”. Second, despite the age, it has to be SOME mark of coolness that he's tamed Madonna for seven years (I know I already brought this up, but really? You just "happen" to come out with a movie called "Snatch" the same year you marry Madonna?) And finally, I don't think the British are allowed on TRL anyway, unless they've met their quota of heroin consumption (thank you, Amy Winehouse).

Real quickly, I'll note my other concerns for this movie:

1) Jason Stratham, after talking you up in my Hitman post as Hollywood's resident bald badass, you come out with HAIR in this movie? How could you?!

2) Ray Liotta - look, Ray is a great guy and all, but no matter how many credentials show up on movie websites, he is only known for Goodfellas. Despite being all the way back in 1990, if you search for Ray Liotta on IMDB, it will say in parenthesis: "actor, Goodfellas" Check it out...I know you want to. That's just how it is. I don't even say Ray Liotta anymore, I just say "Goodfellas" is starring in this movie. To have him in another gangster movie...it could get confusing.

3) The tagline - "The greatest trick that he ever pulled was making you believe that he is you.". Uh, who? Satan? If it is referencing the Usual Suspect lines, that's what would be implied...

4) Chess – we get it, your plan is complicated. Unless your plan involves something called a “Latvian Gambit” though, please, stop getting so many shots of the chess board.

The Golden Compass

2007-11-27T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 12/7)
Ah, controversy. How I love thee.......

The Church is angry, and why not? In the last 5 years or so the Church has been spoiled with the making of movies. With both The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia being made in film form, movies with Christian/Catholic undertones have been prevalent over the last couple of Christmases. This, the Church is ok with.....

Now though, Hollywood has gone and done it. They chose a book that not only does not have religious undertones, but it actually shows negative feelings about the Church. I know what you are thinking.... "There are people with negative feelings towards the Church? Don't they know they are going to hell?" I know it is shocking, but yes, apparently there are these people. As for their final destination I can not speak, but what I do know is that God has not smited (directly) any Harry Potter movie-goers. (and they are definitely going to the bad place because Dumbledore was gay and they all like him.)

" I want you...... to be gay"

Just listen to this quote from the Catholic League President....

"The protest is this: It's being done at Christmastime, and when parents don't find the film troubling, they're going to buy the books for their kids as Christmas gifts. They're doing it through the back door, in a stealth fashion....."

Seriously, the only thing more alarming than this Catholic guy's use of the phrase "back door" is the problem this book poses to our children. You fill in the blank.

If kids like the movie and buy the book they will learn to ________.

a.) Read

b.) Think

C.) Question

D.) Burn in Hell

If you answered D, you should spend more time stopping Britney from breaking into your confessionals and less time bashing books that no one is forcing you to see the movie adaptation of (although I do appreciate the warning).

The Church has a legit point in that they want to warn people that this movie trilogy may become darker. The book does have an anti-religion view, and the author did set out to write the anti-Narnia, but is this really what is bugging the church?

Personally I think the real reason why the Church is so angry is because of the use of the polar bear. This polar bear is definitely trying to upset the balance of the food chain. All good church-goers know that Aslan the lion is the most powerful animal that does not exist. Lets take a look at their stats.

Aslan- This lion is definitely king of the jungle and Narnia. Not only can he speak, fly, and kick serious butt, but he can also raise from the dead. His trainer had this to say about Aslan, "I think the best thing is that he never lets the fame get to his head. He is a humble guy. He isn't rolling with an entourage or waiving guns at hoes in clubs. He is quality."

Polar Bear- Beneath his "pure white" image, this polar bear is one crazy bear foe. Like Aslan, the bear can talk, but unlike Aslan the polar bear boasts protective armor on his head, and torso. Polar bear's trainer was quite defensive when we asked him about the bears poor public image, " Yah, polar bear has a bad image. They caught him eating that poor walrus ( yikes.... how much blood is in a walrus?) and everything went downhill from there. He has a good bear under there somewhere."

I'll leave it up to you to decide who will win, but here is a prior match up (bear vs. lion) that you might be interested in while you wait for the movie to drop.

We need to set up this fight... Too bad Michael Vick is in jail.

Atonement

2007-11-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opening 12/7)

It all started with Pride and Prejudice. Keira Knightley wrapped up her 85% on Rotten Tomatoes, enjoyed her Oscar nomination, and strutted around the U.K. like she owned the place. James McAvoy, the pride and joy of Scotland, then decided to channel William Wallace and fight back with his own part in the Jane Austen franchise, in Becoming Jane. But there was not much success in that one.

Said Knightley, “I've seen better acting from my tea and crumpets.”

Said McAvoy (in Sean Connery accent), “Your mother is a whore.”

And of course, there was only one way to settle the argument: with an ACT-OFF. Their weapon, obviously, would be another Jane Austen film. Unfortunately, because Austen's intellectual property had already been thoroughly raped and pillaged, and because her bones were shattered from rolling over in her grave so many times, a story of forbidden British love needed to be found by another author.

This, then, was how Knightley and McAvoy came to star together in Atonement. Sooo, which will best showcase the British-passion-hidden-below-proper-manners? The increasingly shrinking Knightley and her 47-pound frame (that's 21 Kilos), or the Scottish version of Ryan Gosling? The loser will be forced to costar in the next Mr. Bean film.

Onto the actual story. As it turns out, the villain that stops these two lovers from living happily ever after is...a little girl. Horrifying! Does she have the telekinetic powers to blow up school dances, or is she possessed by the devil? Nope, just her imagination. Apparently, she falsely accuses the McAvoy character of rape.

There are themes with every movie, and lessons to be learned. My question is this - do we really want the lesson of a movie to be, "don't believe a little girl when she claims rape, because she's probably just making it up"? Uh, no. I'll reserve my I-told-you-so's for when sleazy lawyers start using the "Atonement" defense at trials.

Of course, there are worse things things that the girl could've done to James McAvoy with her imagination...just look at what those damned Narnia kids caused with THEIR imagination:
The uhh, human part does not begin until ABOVE the waist -- Knightley would have to be pretty adventurous to stay with him here. Still, in this state, McAvoy would definitely be "fawning" over her...

Anyhow, since the book won numerous awards and they managed to keep John Leguizamo out of the adaptation, I predict the critics will lap this up. There is even some buzz about the movie itself winning awards. I'll nominate it for this year's "movie most responsible for creating women's unrealistic expectations for romance" award, and McAvoy himself for "actor that men most want to punch in the face".

So yeah, if you're looking forward to Atonement, and wondering about Ian McEwan's (the author of Atonement) latest book, On Chesil Beach, you can get the following synopsis from Amazon:

It is 1962 when Edward and Florence, 23 and 22 respectively, marry and repair to a hotel on the Dorset coast for their honeymoon. They are both virgins, both apprehensive about what's next.... Through a tense dinner in their room, because Florence has decided that the weather is not fine enough to dine on the terrace, they are attended by two local boys acting as waiters.

It is also being made into a movie, but, uh, you'll need to rent it from your local porn-shop.

He Was a Quiet Man

2007-11-23T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/30)

Dude #1- Holy crap! That man has a bundle of dynamite with a timing device strapped to his chest! Holy crap! Holy crap!

Dude #2- Dude, chill... That is a white guy. If he was going to kill a lot of people he would use a sawed off shotgun or a van full of manure. We are sa-- Holy crap! That guy's got a turban!

Probably not the most popular movie poster at airports..

This movie stars Christian Slater, Elisha Cuthbert, and William H. Macy. The trailer starts at the scene of an office shooting. A bald skinny man is shooting up the place, and Slater's character is watching/hiding. Slater decides to "piss off" the shooter who, while concurrently reloading, questions slater with, "Can you tell me what you would call a idiot who is crazy enough to piss off a maniac with a loaded gun?" Slater replies " I would call him a maniac with his own loaded gun." BANG BANG BANG! Slater shoots him and saves the lives of some people in his office, including Alicia Cuthbert. ( Her dad was too busy kicking ass and taking names to save the day today)

Apparently from this stellar performance Slater's character gets promoted to some big job . Now, hold up. Are we Americans sooooo stupid that we don't even want to question Slater's character about why he had a loaded gun? I guess the writers figured that if the American public couldn't tell Lance Bass from N'SYNC was gay, there was NO WAY we were going to notice that people don't feel the need to ask the nerdy--glasses-wearing-middle-aged-balding-guy why he had a loaded gun in his cubicle. Sheep I tell you... SHEEP!

Lance? Gay? Everything I thought I once knew is now wrong!

Anyways, Slater's character goes to the hospital to visit a girl who's life he saved (Cuthbert). I don't really understand this part, because it seems like Slater decides to keep the girl. I guess when you save someone's life they owe you a life debt and you get to keep them. I would definitely except a life debt from Cuthbert. Not so much from Jar Jar Binks though.

Elisha in a wheelchair or the guy with long ears and annoying lisp...

Cuthbert goes on to teach him life lessons and through his time with her he learns that he is beautiful (he takes off his glasses).

The End...

Yes! I have finally found my Lost in Translation meets She's All That meets Office Space meets Rambo.

On a side note, go to the official website and read the text on the sides of the picture. I read this first and thought the movie would rock, but after watching the preview I was less than enthused.

Flawless

2007-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Trailer N/A (Opening 11/30)

When I saw that Flawless had two fairly big-name stars (Moore and Caine), and yet was only a limited release and projected to make $750K, I began to grow curious. A quick search of "Flawless" revealed the existence of a terrible 1999 movie with Robert DeNiro by the same name, about "an ultraconservative security guard [who] suffers a debilitating stroke and is assigned to a rehabilitative program that includes singing lessons--with the drag queen next door", and my curiosity turned to suspicion. Now, I'm no conspiracy buff, but is it to crazy to believe that DeNiro, with all his Hollywood connections, is somehow trying to put out a "dummy" movie to cover up the existence of this old one? That perhaps, in like five years, there will be a systematic attack on certain DVD vendors, and thereafter any leftover references to a movie called "Flawless" will be attributed to this 2007 heist film? Honestly, it's something to keep an eye on.

But onto the "new" Flawless...by the looks of things, it would seem that Demi Moore has gone from cradle-snatcher to grave-robber. (Pause for previous joke to set in). She teams up with the remarkably spry, 74-year-old Michael Caine in this flick, thus taking a page straight from the Connery and Zeta-Jones in Entrapment playbook.

In fact, both Flawless and Entrapment employ a similar tactic, especially when trying to downplay the disgusting Hugh Heffner angle. First, they cast brunette women in the leading roles (instead of blondes), and second, they make sure the respective male leads (Connery and Caine) have been knighted by the Queen of England, thus confirming their uprightness. Now if you call Michael Caine a pervert, you'll have the entire British Navy coming after you.

Of course, there is perhaps more to learn about our society based on the subtle DIFFERENCES between these two artistic gems than from their similarities. For one, we see that levels of attractiveness in people MUST be matched. While Sean Connery -- the manliest man in all Mantown -- can pull the insanely hot Catherine Zeta-Jones, the Alec Guinness clone that is Michael Caine must settle for the company of a more Plain (G.I.) Jane.

Two, we realize that money is required to buy attractiveness. In Entrapment, Sean Connery is a retired thief...so plenty of dough still in the bank. On the other hand, Michael Caine plays a janitor. Really, this job is beneath him -- one look should tell you that he was born to play the role of a British butler -- and the results are unsurprising. It should be even less surprising, based on the levels of attractiveness in the cast, that the budget for Entrapment was $66 million (almost $90 million by 2007 standards), whereas Flawless is only planned for limited release.

So, how was this $66 million for Entrapment spent?
Oh yeah. Now we are left to wonder what the quarter-million, Demi Moore equivalent will be.

Anyhow, from the synopsis, we get the following information: "'Flawless' is a crime - drama set in 1960 London, where a soon to retire janitor (Michael Caine) convinces a glass-ceiling constrained American executive (Demi Moore) to help him steal a handful of diamonds from their employer, the London Diamond Corporation."

Demi Moore is constrained by a glass-ceiling?! This is an absolute travesty! Think of all the things she's accomplished in her day that have NOTHING to do with her gender: sex with a non-tactile being, million dollar prostitution, seducing and sexually harassing an employee, stripping for a senator...I mean, come on! Anybody who has THESE movie posters on her resume should not possibly be overlooked for a job:

Errr, right. As mentioned previously, the film is only projected to make about $750K, and that is ridiculous. Now that men of this world know that Moore will date ANYTHING between the ages of 20 and 80, that's got to bring a few numbers to the theater, right? RIGHT?

Weekend Warning

2007-11-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we've got an early edition of Weekend Warning this week, as movies are opening for Thanksgiving. Last week all movies hit the under; Beowulf ($27.5 out of $30.0 million) and Mr. Magorium ($9.6 out of $10.7 million) were close, while Love in the Time of Cholera put up a pathetic $1.9 million (out of $4.7).

Anyhow, onto the show for the week...put your own guesses in the comments to forever immortalize your genius. Once again, we give you a chance to click on the movies below and heed our preview reviews...

Enchanted ($34.0 million) - According to James O'Ehley: "...the tween girls whom this movies is aimed at will have a blast."

Troy: You hear that, 11 year-old girls? Now that decision between Mary's birthday at the Hannah Montana concert and Sherry's party at the movies just got interesting. Go with the girl who's more popular. (UNDER)

Torch:I am boycotting Disney until they decide to make a legit animated movie again. Oh, and I want songs in it.....and I want Tim Rice to write them. (OVER)

Hitman ($9.8 million) - There have been no reviews for the movie so far, so we'll take this one from Gamespot: "The original game's extremely steep learning curve isn't nearly as insurmountable in the sequel, since at normal difficulty, 47 can sustain massive amounts of damage (thanks to good old genetic engineering) and can still finish most missions if he blows his cover. Also, the fact that you can save your progress during missions certainly helps." Uh, sure, we can extrapolate that for the movie.

Troy: The trailer says Agent 47 is bred from the most dangerous criminals...so why is he white? -- the United States Prison System. (UNDER)

Torch: If we hit men, shouldn't we hit woman also? Chivalry is dead. I'm just making it known. (UNDER)

August Rush ($7.3 million) - So, here is what Jolene Mendez has to say: "August will have you Rushing to theatres to witness his musical masterpiece." We also had a similarly awful pun like that in our original review...we cut it. If you want to take this person's advice, by all means, ride your magical music notes to the "theatre".

Troy: Remember back when Robin Williams was funny? Yeah, neither do I. Go back and watch Good Morning Vietnam, with Forest Whitaker choking over his own fake laughs, and you'll wonder how Williams has lived on the myth of being a comedy actor for so long. If people criticized Studio 60 for it's in-show sketches being impossible to believe as funny, can't we wonder why the soldiers were supposed to be in love with the extremely unfunny DJ in Vietnam? (UNDER)

Torch: This movie is only encouraging orphans to work harder. They are sooooo lazy. I mean, they let their parents die. (UNDER)

The Mist ($11.0 million) - Well, you better believe we are cultured around here...even The New Yorker agrees with our assessment: "'The Mist' is itself a supermarket of B-movie essentials, handsomely stocked with bad science, stupid behavior, chewable lines of dialogue, religious fruitcakes, and a fine display of monsters...The line 'There’s something in the mist!' is a straight lift from 'There’s something in the fog!,' spoken twenty-seven years ago in John Carpenter’s 'The Fog,' and it shows that these movies are not meditations on the tragedy of human overreach. They’re weather reports."

Troy: It's like the mist is what's pretty, you know? All gold and [CLAW TO THE THROAT] ...Nothing gold can stay. (OVER)

Torch: This movie falls somewhere in between the greatness of the video game Myst, and the grossness of the mist you feel on your feet when you use the urinal wearing flip-flops. (UNDER)

Troy (2-1)
Torch (3-0)

Thomas Kinkade's Home for Christmas

2007-11-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

(Opening- Hopefully Not)
Imagine if you were a movie producer, and you had your pick of THOUSANDS of scripts. You have access to scripts about sports teams that could, highschoolers trying to get laid, your basic shoot and kill movie and the always relevant courtroom drama.

How then, do you walk into your boss's office and tell him that the next big movie is going to be about the life of an artist? Your boss would raise his eyebrows a bit, but be intrigued to find out which interesting artist you thought would be worthy of a major motion picture. Here comes the kicker. Not only is it about an artist, but it is about an artist that paints plates and mini Christmas villages often up for grabs at silent PTA auctions attended by 40-something-year-old-right-wing-Christian-yuppies. Thomas Kinkade..

Listen to this synopsis:

" Barely out of school and still searching for his voice as an artist, twenty-year-old Thom looks forward to another idyllic holiday in his hometown of Placerville, CA...... the town’s tourist industry is failing, Thom’s ailing, once-brilliant mentor, Glen, has lost his ability to paint, and Thom’s spirited mother, MaryAnne, reveals that she’s losing their family home to foreclosure."

Seriously, the most interesting thing about that movie plot is my own personal revelation that you can spell Tom, with an H. Thom? What the crap..

Now, I respect this producer's thought that an artist's life would make a good movie, but what makes Thomas Kinkade qualified. Couldn't he have found not only a better painter, but a painter with a more interesting life?! I know growing up on the streets of Placerville can lead to some intense drama, but COME ON. Since he obviously couldn't do the legwork for this movie, I took the liberty of doing my own research. I present to you, "Artists with more interesting lives than Thomas Kinkade." (at least the first 3 out of 46,594,586,095,804,565,324,704,084,032,843 of them)

1.) Vincent van Gogh- The title role would be played by Christopher Walken.( See the resemblance?) The story would briefly visit Van Gogh's days as both a teacher and a missionary, but it's main plot would focus on the mad genius that Van Gogh became in his later days. We would see Van Gogh's demise eventually be his own mind as he decided to cut off his ear and check into a psychiatric home. Possible causes: Alcoholism, Eating paint.(Probably from China)

Fernando Botero- Ah, the esteemed "painter of fat women". Bonus points for being Columbian. Just to make the movie more interesting we would throw in a drug trafficking charge in which Botero used his paintings extra large proportions to smuggle in more drugs than the competitors.

Drug Lord- Ah, how does Botero do it?

Minion- Fat chicks.....

Agostino Tassi- This has to be my personal favorite. This movie starts as a story of hidden origins. Tassi told people he was from Rome in order to gain nobility when in reality he was from Placerville-- I mean Perugia. Tassi was known as a painter of frescoes until one day his partners daughter claimed that he tried to get fresh with (raped) her. Known as a man of " turbulent character and dissolute habits" Tassi was later accused of hiring bandits to kill his wife, and raping another wife and sister-in-law. He also stole some things on the side. And you thought 50 cent's life story was interesting....

Now, was that so hard?

Maybe the producer was just blinded by "The Painter of Light."

Update: This movie will actually not be coming out this Christmas due to some music rights issues. I didn't even know music had rights......

Anyways, this could be legit, OR it could be an attempt for the studio to back out without looking like complete idiots. It is pretty sad when the only thing that might help your movie next year is if the person it is based on dies. I would watch your back if I was you Tom with an H!

Awake

2007-11-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/30)

Before I start, I want to add the following disclaimer: I am aware that this is Hayden Christensen's first major film since playing Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars films, and I know that you think I'll be going down that path, but I WILL resist the urge. It takes a lot of internal strength, but sometimes you need to use the FOR...titude within yourself and power through. Wish me luck.

Anyhow, the trailer and synopsis both tell us the same thing about this movie: “Awake is a psychological thriller about a common occurrence called 'anesthetic awareness'...wherein a patient's failed anesthesia leaves him fully conscious but physically paralyzed during surgery.”

Certainly, it must be a traumatic experience to feel pain throughout the surgery, but does anyone notice anything wrong with this being the basis for a major motion picture? Like -- I don't know – the fact that he is completely paralyzed? As in, can't move. As in, nothing can happen. I don't know about you, but typically when I shell out $10 for movie, I like to see the main character, uh, DO SOMETHING.

Instead, we get the awkward “thought voice-over”, which is typically relegated to movies like the Shaggy Dog (where it represent Tim Allen's thoughts when he is in “dog form”).

In Awake we're left believing the squirrel outside the window probably WOULD tell a more exciting story. Tragic. I'm guessing we'll get at least ten critics saying the following line: “The movie may be called AWAKE, but this thing is sure to put you to SLEEP.” ZING!

And yet, perhaps the greatest travesty is the way that they've mangled the simple three elements of this story. Gee, we have one main guy, a bed, and Jessica Alba...how do you think we can make this interesting? Personally, I can think of at least ten different “ways”. Of course, one of them DOES NOT involve knocking the guy out for 90 minutes, and then having Jessica Alba “struggle with her own demons as a terrifying drama unfolds around the couple.” Do you know what would be more interesting than having Jessica Alba fight with her personal demons? Having her fight with ACTUAL demons.

But alas, we're stuck trying to figure out what horrible secrets from the past haunt Jessica in this movie. Let's take a few guesses. Is it...

a) Being Max Guevera (The Dark Angel) – sure, I referenced this a few weeks ago in my Hitman post, and sure, she's a genetically engineered super-soldier. But she fights for Good now, and, as hot as she looks, I'm sure we can overlook some of the killing. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

b) Being Sue Storm – uh, she seems to have gone all Aryan on us here. Plus, instead of allowing Halle Berry to hold onto one thing for old times' sake, she snatched the “hot chick with mutant powers named 'Storm'” title and never looked back. That's just not fair. Still, it's not necessarily something so sinister that you'd need to keep it from your husband. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

c) Being John Malkovich – oops, she never was John. VERDICT: Not haunting her.

Okay, what we're really looking for is something so terrible that the very thought of it makes her sick, something so evil that despite wanting to bury it within the depths of her soul, it continues to appear in her nightmares. Something...

d) Dane Cook – Oh geez. No. NO. This did NOT happen, right? VERDICT: Haunts her EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE.

From the trailer, we know this movie promises at least a few other things. For one, Jessica Alba is constantly topless, but with her back facing the camera...

And two, there are plenty of lightsaber battles (sorry, I gave into the...well, you know which side). Enjoy...

Weekend Warning

2007-11-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

Yup, it's about that time again, where we play the "I told you so" game and give you one last warning before you drop money on those movies this weekend. Our original experiment to pick over/under on total box office projections does not give us instant gratification, so we've decided to play over/under on *weekend* box office numbers. That way we'll know by next week. Adjust your choices accordingly.

Anyhow, we'll be using the projections given by our good friends over at Fantasy Moguls (actually, they don't know us) as the basis for our over/under selections.

Beowulf ($30 million) - At the time of writing this, Beowulf scored a 25% among women reviewers on Rotten Tomatoes, and a 84% among men. In honor of this gender breakdown, I will hand the floor over to the Arizona Republic's Kerry Lengel, whose name led to the most male/female ambiguity:

"The hotness of Angelina Jolie, as a slithery water demon, certainly didn't hurt."

Troy: Oh God, I hope they keep the computer model for Jolie's body in an electronic Fort Knox...I can only imagine what the internet crowd would do with that thing if it ever got into the wrong hands. Wait...wait...yup, still imagining it. (OVER)

Torch: When I got caught searching for "Angelina nip and ass" by my girlfriend, I tried to play it off like I was concerned about wildlife. Nerds however are not an endangered species and this movie will benefit from them. Not enough to hit 30 mil though. (UNDER)

Love in the Time of Cholera ($4.7 million) - According to the New York Post,

"John Leguizamo is a bright light that takes this already beautiful film to the 'Classic' level."

Haha, JUST KIDDING! It's got a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes at the time of writing this. John Leguizama is probably good for a -20%, even in his small role.

Troy: If you called it "Love in the Time of Syphilis", then we'd see some REAL sacrifice. (UNDER)

Torch: Yet another movie I can watch and then claim that I have read the book to sound more intelligent. YES! (UNDER)

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium($10.7 million) - It's not like you didn't know it already, but we'll give the Naperville Sun a nod for the confirmation:

"And then there is Dustin Hoffman as Magorium, who sports ratty eyebrows and a feral lisp to match. Forcibly zany and uncomfortably childish, he's like the clown at the circus everyone avoids. You want to stuff him in a jack-in-the-box."

Troy: What most people don't realize is that the script actually called for a mild-mannered, sage-like main character. It was Hoffman's coke habit that took care of the rest...(UNDER)

Torch: Harrison Ford has Calista Flockhart, and Michael Douglas lucked out with Catherine Zeta Jones. What better way for Hoffman to meet young girls than by opening a toy store? Genius.... The movie however, not so genius.( UNDER)

Southland Tales (N/A) - The first review to catch my eye, primarily because of it's ATROCIOUS allusion to Eliot's The Hollow Men, was that of Mark Bell over at Film Threat:

"This is how the review starts, not with overwhelming praise, but confused disappointment."

Yeah, I just threw up as well.

Troy: If Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has a love interest in this movie, is it considered romancing the stone? (N/A)

Torch: I can't think of a worse cast. These actors by themselves have been known to tank movies. With their combined movie-tanking abilities could it create the best movie ever? Before you say no, think about what happens when you multiply a negative number by a negative number... hmmmm ( I predict a positive monetary amount at the box office)

Troy (0-0)
Torch (0-0)

Just for the heck of it: I AM BEOWULF!!!!!!!

August Rush

2007-11-15T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/21)

As potentially the most exciting music-based movie since Mr. Holland's Opus, August Rush is sure to hit a sweet note with movie-goers everywhere. GAG ME....

Problem #1
Haley Joel Osment is not in this movie. Now, I know he has to be like 20 by now, but don't you wish we could have killed him, cryonically frozen him, and then revived him every time we needed a young male actor of about age 12?

Problem#2
All parents who really want their children give them up for adoption. Huh? I can see how a mom might want to keep a kid, but can't due to money, crack, or both, but what is the deal with this movie?

Dear Orphanage,

In this basket you will find my baby. I HAVE to give him up. Even though I am 30-something, my Dad won't let me keep him. Also, it might interfere with my playing of stringed instruments in the symphony. Oh, but I reaaaaaaally want to keep him.

Love,
Spoiled WASP

Problem #3
This movie is not fair for orphans. This is what the studio is really telling orphans. "Hey, people feel sorry for you. We are putting you in this story to exploit people's emotions and hopefully make them feel invested in our movie. Seriously though, It can't get much worse for you. You should thank us. With any luck, this mind generate some buzz for "your kind"."

Here is a challenge: Name the last movie that has an orphan in it that was "normal"? Every orphan has to either be a wizard, a superhero, a prodigy, a Martian or be abnormally cute and have curly hair.

Imagine the interview process....

Prospective Parents- Yes, we have seen quite a few movies about orphans. Could you please tell us about your special talent and how it could benefit our lives?

Orphan- But, I don't have a power....

Prospective Parents- Well, we don't want you. Maybe you should watch some movies to learn how to become a real orphan. Call us up if you get a letter from Hogwarts, or develop super-human strength.

Orphan- :(

Imagine the waiting list for orphans who could lay golden eggs....

The trailer goes on to show:

How much this kid likes music ( You can tell because it is coming out of his heart).
Robin Williams playing the role of a mentor (sans Matt Damon, plus chaps)

The kid's parents trying to find their son they want (yet gave up) by following his music?

What the heck? I don't get it either.... Just go see it so that orphans don't feel un-loved.

Hitman

2007-11-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/21)

They are bred to walk among us. They are highly trained, fierce warriors, who slip in and out of crowds without notice. And yet, if you really want to spot one, I've got one word for you:

BARCODE.

Nothing screams "I am a genetically engineered soldier/assassin!" like a sequence of black lines on the skin. And certainly, you must wonder -- is the minor convenience of scanning two digits (47) really worth making your prized soldier stand out more than a high-school grad at a NASCAR event? I mean, how often are these guys passing through grocery store check-out lines? And what kind of discount can I get on Jessica Alba (Dark Angel) with a club card? I don't need an excuse to show her...

But seriously, considering you've spent millions of dollars to train these guys, wouldn't you want to splurge on a 7-cent RFID tag instead of the tattooed barcode? Anybody who's been searching for their toll road pass as the FastTrak station approaches, only to hear a beep even though the pass is in the glove compartment, already knows the power of RFID...

A barcode only has like a one foot range, and even then you have to watch the jiggling arm-fat of the check-out lady as she tries to swipe the same item ten times. Think about it – if the FastTrak stations were around back in the day, Sonny Corleone would still be alive! This means that Al Pacino would never have risen to Godfather, and movies like Two For The Money, teaming up Al and McConaughey, would have been relegated to the back minds of weird girls with sexual/daddy issues.

But I digress. Honestly, the first thing you need to wonder when seeing this trailer is WHERE THE %&$@# IS JASON STRATHAM?

Let's face it, there's only enough room in Hollywood for one bald, white badass actor. Stratham has become that man. Bruce Willis used to be that man, but his time has come to hand it off, and he seems to be doing it graciously. Still, I can't believe Bruce would hand that crown of scalp-skin to Olyphant over Stratham, unless...

Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah, I guess that explains why we're now stuck with a man whose last name is the Lord of the Rings equivalent of a giant elephant.

Anyhow, the synopsis has this to say above the movie: "The greatest threat to 47's survival may be the stirrings of his conscience and the unfamiliar emotions aroused in him by a beautiful, damaged girl".

I love the whole "stirrings of his conscience and the unfamiliar emotions" part. It is basically the exact same thing that happened to this guy:

No, that's not C3PO. And yes, I AM saying that Hitman is essentially just a knock-off of Bicentennial Man. Deal with it.

Okay, all joking aside, from what I've seen in most CLIPS I think this movie is going to KILL at the box office. I've also RIFLED through a good amount of the script, and the story seems to have been well EXECUTED, even if some of the themes have been BEATEN to DEATH. There was some talk of BUTCHERING the movie and going for a PG-13 rating, but when the BULLETS started to fly, Fox smartly PULLED THE TRIGGER on a hard 'R'. Good for them.

Oh geez, did I really just do that? Well, give me a break...I've been UNDER THE GUN with this thing (you know you were waiting for that one). You may now go back to enjoying the fake-violins of the trailer.

Enchanted

2007-11-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/21)
Wait...Disney's Enchanted is a movie and a cartoon? WHAT?! That is some cutting edge technology right there. I have NEVER seen a movie like this before! Uh, well I guess there was Roger Rabbit like 15 years ago-- oh and then there was Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and The Incredible Mr. Limpet about 40 years ago, but who's counting the clones?

Seriously, Disney may not be Gregor Mendel when it comes to inventing the hybrid, but they are good at milking the cash-cow, and right now the cash-cow is movies making fun of the whole "Princess and Prince fall in love and get married with the help of their magical animal friends" idea.

The first big shock comes right away when we find out that the main princess role will not be played by Anne Hathaway. Who is this impostor you might ask? Jim's Ex from The Office! Yup, but just in case you might feel like eating a poison apple in a fit of depression, Disney throws you a figurative prince charming and casts Julie Andrews as the narrator. Ahh, British accents are soooo magical......

However, the most inspired casting decision comes with the appearance of Prince Edward, played by James Marsden. What is it about this guy that makes women in movies want to cheat on him? When it comes to pursuing "taken" women, I believe the saying is "just because there is a goalie it doesn't mean you can't score"... but with the frequency this guy's chicks get stolen, he must always be dating in the third period, down by 1 and with a pulled goalie. Let's examine those men who have taken advantage of the empty net:

Wolverine- A human cyborg who has had his skeleton reinforced with adamantium. He should lend some of his metal coating and regenerative ability to James' heart. Would you rather date "boring-pretty-boy" cyclops or "bad-ass womanizing" wolverine?

You don't need laser-preventing Oakleys to see the answer clearly.

Ryan Golsling- Persistence is this character's super ability. He "wrote every day for a year." The effect of writing without the use of an ergonomic pen can be devastating, but somehow Gosling's character(even with a bird's-nest of a beard) manages to foil the rich army veteran and take his girl for some steamy rain soaked humping.

Beat out by a stalker. Oh man.

Patrick Dempsey- The worst defeat is when you get beat by someone that does the same thing you do, only better. This is that defeat for James. He must use his awesome hair and dashing smile to fight awesome hair and a dashing smile. I can imagine this intense scene where they smile at each other and their smiles meet in midair. Almost like a Care Bear Stare, or when Harry Potter and Voldemort's wands collide.

The smile energy would slowly move towards Dempsey, but then he would fight back with a surge of smile, and it would go towards James. Then Dempsey would pull out the smile of all smiles and blast James off his feet. Then he would steal his woman. Yup... That is what will happen in this movie..

( 2 pictures of Patrick Dempsey. So what.. If girls smiled that pretty I would post them in my blog too.)

The trailer goes on to show how no one even notices these weird dressed people running around on the streets of New York because, well, it is New York. We also get an angry, fat, black women bus driver who starts to say a bad word, but is cut off in the middle of her rant right before she says %$#*@.

It reminds me a lot of this movie. A bunch of stuff that I have seen 100 motha-

The Mist

2007-11-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/21)

Let me set the scene for the movie: a mysterious mist rolls in on a lake town, and everybody makes a mad dash for the grocery store. The locals remain inside, while all of Hell and Watto (pictured right) are banging on the windows to get in. One person needs to go outside to "check on" the Mist, and prove to the audience how dangerous it really is. He will inevitably die an early and brutal death. Will it be...

a) Thomas Jane - the family man, with a wife and child, who first discovers that something is amiss, and whose axe-wielding skills are second to none.

b) Marcia Harden - the crazy religious woman whose backwards theology will play a role at some point.

c) The EBM (Expendable Black Man) - developed a half-century ago in the horror genre, an archetypal character for all slashers/supernatural attacks/zombie movies, whose death marks the beginning of the true terror.

If you picked (C), you may now cross the picket lines to become a Hollywood screenwriter. Much has been written in recent years about this phenomenon, including references in South Park and Scary Movie. While there is some debate whether this character is really the result of writing or just uninspired casting, one thing remains true - you can't have a horror movie without him. He has also been known to appear in action movies/thrillers.

And so, if you ever find yourself in a cave filled with blood-sucking vampire ghosts or strolling through a jungle filled with dinosaur-spiders, let me offer the following bits of advice:

Do NOT try and scoop up the gold in the rocks/jungle floor. Trust me. It might look like a lot of money, but those gold coins will inevitably be the first things to fall into the vampire-ghost-dinosaur-spider-shark-gorilla's (VGDSSG) mouth when he lifts you above his head.
Do NOT say things like “Oh my God we're all going to die, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE” and then go running alone into the opposite direction. You may think you're running away from the VGDSSG, but you can bet there is another one waiting for you.
Do NOT be black (unless you are Denzel Washington, Will Smith, or Morgan Freeman). This one you don't have much control over, and it is unfortunate.

The ONLY time you can make the EBM thing work is when it is Samuel L. Jackson. I suggest you watch this clip to prove it. ALL 45 seconds. Oh, and you may just recognize the other character in that piece as well.

Anyhow, the rest of the trailer is pretty guarded as to what's in the mist and how thing's develop. One thing we know for sure: this is a BAD mist. Let's see how it appears in the context of our evilness chart of mists (click to enlarge picture):

From left to right: a “Mister Fan”, The Mists of Avalon, The Fog, The Mist, Gorillas in the Mist.

Torch, can you think of any more evil mists?

Love in the Time of Cholera

2007-11-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/16)Ah, Love in the Time of Cholera, I write these notes to say "I love you."

You are the most pretended-to-have-read-and-liked-solely-to-score-with-chicks novel this side of Pride and Prejudice, and you show no signs of slowing.

The term to describe you and your author, Magical Realism, has and will continue to be the rallying cry of pseudo-intellectual douchebags and meaningless college essays for years to come, and the cast choices in your movie remain as nonsensical as the many sentences that grace your pages. My heart yearns for thee.

Of course, perhaps the only thing more pretentious and toolish than "Magical Realism" itself is this guy:
Now, I know what you're thinking -- is there really such a lack of big name Latino actors that John Leguizamo has to get the main role in this?

Well, don't worry, because he is not the main character. Believe it or not, he is supposed to be the girl-on-the-right's FATHER. Seriously. Leguizamo, at a young-looking 43, plays the father of the 33-year-old Giovanna Mezzogiorno, and prevents her from marrying her "true love".

Don't worry, though, because Legs makes up for it with his usual over-the-top acting style. If you go to Leguizamo's IMDB biography, you get the following tidbit: "Listed as one of twelve 'Promising New Actors of 1991' in John Willis' Screen World, Vol. 44". This is eerily reminiscent of a line from the Simpsons, where Krusty the Klown gets introduced as “the man Spencer Tracy called the most promising newcomer of 1959”. The point being -- when they're still pointing to your promise of 16 years ago, John, you might want to question doing that sequel to Honeymooners.

Anyhow, Plain-looking Girl's father forces her to marry the Benjamin Bratt character...in exchange for three hens and a dairy cow. Here is a picture of Benjie thoroughly enjoying himself (John Leguizamo has been cut from the frame due to X-Rated content):
Ah yes. It reminds me of the good old days of Law and Order, when Bratt played Lennie’s plucky young detective partner. You would always forget he was Latino until he busted out the Spanish on a suspect in handcuffs. Or when some white supremacist refused to speak with him, telling him he doesn’t like his “kind”, and you’re scratching your head for ten seconds until you remember “oh yeah, he’s Latino, I guess…” Somehow it was supposed to give him street cred. I miss those days, and Jerry Orbach in particular.

Speaking of Law and Order, I thought this would be an excellent chance to unveil some of the research I've done and look at the major-role resume of Lennie’s ex-partner detectives since they left the show:

Benjamin Bratt (Detective Curtis)

Miss Congeniality
Love in the Time of Cholera

Chris Noth (Detective Logan)

Sex and The City
The Perfect Man

Jesse Martin (Detective Green)

Rent

I mean, those are positively Coldplay-esque, right?

Back to the trailer – really, the book would be like every other waiting-for-love story, except that Marquez is slightly crazy. This means that if they truly translate his dream to screen, you can expect long womanizing binges and herniated testicles carted around in wheelbarrows (seriously, read the mangled mess that is Autumn of the Patriarch). Enjoy.

Just for fun, here are more hats!:

Weekend Warning

2007-11-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

Now kiddies, it's time for the usual Friday segment, Weekend Warning, where we take a look at the movies opening this weekend and prove to you how right we were with our original preview reviews (and we didn't even need to see the movies). We'll also guess the over/under on box office projections. We encourage you to play along at home (or in the comments).

Fred Claus ($60 million) - According to the consensus:
"A slew of talent is wasted in this contrived and overly sentimental Christmas film." Couldn't have seen that one coming...

Troy: Where can we bet on how many times someone gets kicked in the groin by a reindeer in this movie? (OVER)

Torch: Save your money and rent Ernest Saves Christmas. Pour some eggnog out for my homie Jim Varney. (UNDER)

Lions for Lambs ($95 million) - Oh, there were plenty of good ones, but I think The Arizona Republic gives me the largest reason to say "I told you so":

A Big Star Hollywood cast, including Robert Redford (who also directed), Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep, might just as well have appeared on-screen for a couple of minutes with signs that said, "War is bad," and been done with it. Saves everyone the cost of a ticket.

Troy: I think the Counting Crows said it best in Round Here: "Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs." Err, maybe not - that should be we're sacrificed> like lambs. Oh well. (UNDER)

Torch: I seriously live 2 blocks from the Scientology headquarters and they are planning a big party this weekend. Expect this to affect ticket sales. Does anybody but psycho Tom Cruise fans watch his movies anymore? (WAY UNDER)

P2 (N/A) - No preview/review for this, but over at Variety they say what we all could've guessed: "P2 struggles to maintain its momentum because there's simply not enough to do in a parking garage to fill out a feature film."

Troy: Because in an age of constant busyness, this is the best way we can come up with to ask out a girl. (N/A)

Torch: I can think of how to fill a feature film in a parking lot if you know what I mean. And no one ever wanted their money back. WINK WINK.... (N/A)

No Country for Old Men ($27.5 million) - Oh Peter Travers, always trying to upstage the movie with your review, always mixing more nonsensical metaphors than when Chef Boyardee bakes a cake in a blender on St. Patty's day:

No Country doesn't have to preach or wave a flag — it carries in its bones the virus of what we've become. The Coens squeeze us without mercy in a vise of tension and suspense, but only to force us to look into an abyss of our own making.

Troy: Ohhh, that's count-ry...the title might be more accurate the other way. (OVER)

Torch: I already called the ACLU and they said it is illegal to force someone to leave a country due to age, race, religion or sexual orientation. This entire movie is moot. (OVER)

Lake Dead (N/A) - Unsurprisingly, this was not screened for critics ahead of time...which is synonymous with saying it sucks. It also didn't get the memo about Halloween being on the 31st of October this year.

Troy: The synopsis promises brutal torture, murder, incest, and necrophilia. Logistically, how does that work? (N/A)

Torch: A more compelling plot might have been for "Lake Deed" . Yup, a movie about a child who inherits a boat with a dead person on it. (N/A)

Scores
Troy (0-0)
Torch (0-0)

Beowulf

2007-11-08T07:30:00.000-08:00

Trailers (Opens 11/15)
So I know the writers strike is bad and all, but is it so bad that we have to result to a script that was written in roughly 700 AD? Did writers find Sir Gawain and the Green Knight too racially insensitive? Did market research reveal that Jabberwocky didn't appeal to the tween market? Well, whatever the case, Beowulf was the script of choice and here it is in 21st century CGI technology.

Now, most movies hinge on one big moment. Most people like to call it the climax. Apparently, the people over at Paramount decided to give us climax squared, and make the "one big moment" a decision by Beowulf whether or not to sleep with the temptress.

Climax * Climax = Good Times

As the trailer opens, we see Beowulf hunting in a dark cave for the Grendel's mother (In the original manuscript, Grendel was the horrific, disgusting beast that was terrorizing nearby townspeople and chewing their bones before Beowulf killed him). He hears a voice, and is taken aback by the lack of a growl.

In fact, Beowulf is apparently SO enticed by this voice that he loses his clothing fast...faster than Helen of Troy in the presence of any breathing male with enough money for a castle and a bottle of two-buck chuck.

Hey -- I hear what you are saying, "Beowulf doesn't have time to get naked, he has to kill the beast!" But, put yourself in Beowulf's shoes and imagine your surprise when the hideous monster that you are hunting turns out to be a "hottified" CGI version of Angelina Jolie. Not only is she hot(as if this isn't enough), she is also offering you the ultimate power. You would get to be king, rule the world, yada yada yada..... I have seen guys go home with girls for nothing more than a simple "hello".

Being the opportunist that I am, I am thinking ,"Ok, there must be a catch here. Angelina, water, king of the world-- HOLY CRAP! Is that a tail?"
I never thought Beowulf would be a movie about moral ambiguity, but boy was I wrong. If you are looking for the answer to the timeless question of whether or not it is ok to "be" with a woman with a tail (and no, where the tail originates is not important), then this movie is not for you. Beowulf is more of a movie that makes you question your moral limits, and helps refine what you view as right and wrong. It is a journey, and Paramount is daring you to take it.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

2007-11-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/16)

And we welcome another remake of Willy Wonka and the -- errr, I mean the “new” movie, Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium -- to the family. We know kids love candy, and we also know they love toys, so this was the next logical step...right?

The question, unfortunately, is which toys? In the days when locomotives were still a novelty and Ford's Model T motor-coach was just starting to catch on (i.e., Hoffman's day), maybe toy trains and whimsical purple ladders were exciting for children (actually, still probably not). But let's examine a list of toys that kids DON'T play with today: 1) miniature ferris wheels, 2) zebras, 3) fish mobiles (?!?!), and 4) old men. Unfortunately, all of these are featured in the trailer, and as much fun as those kids appear to be having in the store for 30 seconds on camera, the fact remains – unless there is either an (a) X-Box 360, or (b) Nintendo Wii in that store, they'll be flicking boogers at each other in no time.

And yet, it isn't the complete dearth of 21^st century toys that haunts this toy store. No, the whole STOP-THE-RECORD moment comes when this guy (the accountant) walks in:

Jason Bateman? The nice-guy-who-throws-out-the-occasional-wisecrack is your villain?! Really? Whatever. None of this stops Mags (not that Maggs, though it probably make it more interesting) from finding him to be an enemy of the store. And perhaps this general antagonism towards accountants and MBAs in general is one of the more frightening trends in recent movies, especially when their counterparts are eccentric, “magical” men. I mean, do you think that in Japan they're teaching their kids that “you don't need numbers, only a little magic” to operate a business in a technological society? ARE THEY?! Pretty soon we're going to be about ten steps behind, and our next generation is going to be looking to MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDERFUL BROADBAND INFRASTRUCTURE to help us catch up.

Natalie Portman goes on to lament (and question) the accountant being in the store, and even in the trailer we have hints of Mr. Magorium cooking the books (making up fake names). He responds by telling her he's resigning and giving her the company. Doesn't this sound familiar? Like another *cough ENRON cough* major company, whose executives were fiddling with the numbers and then managed to get out before the sh** hit the fan? Well...

SURPRISE! I already know the future of your stock!

Amazingly, tax evasion and insider trading isn't the scariest part of this movie. No, we will now acknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room: Dustin Hoffman's 70 year-old, eccentric, weird-talking toy-store owner of a character. There is just no way you can see this part at the end of the trailer, with the extremely odd Mr. Magorium whispering, “You'll find yourself somewhere you've never imagined” in his poor Sylvester lisp, without finding it creepy:

I mean, Natalie Portman's a good actress, but even SHE can't hold in the "I'm totally creeped out" reflex for the camera. LOOK at that smile! That's pure joy, right? Oh, Hollywood.

Just for fun, I'll leave you with one final image, the not-at-all creepy moving bear thing:

I think I prefer Oompa Loompas...

Fred Claus

2007-11-06T02:58:00.001-08:00

Trailers (Opens 11/9)
Every Holiday season a new movie comes along to revolutionize the way you think about things you never think about. This year, that movie is Fred Claus.

You have heard the plot before. This is the brother you never knew about, and now that you know, nothing will be the same. I like to call it the Rain Man formula. It goes something like this:
1.) Team up two well-established actors: Dustin Hoffman with Tom Cruise or Paul Giamatti with Vince Vaughn.
2.) Give the secret brother a special talent: Card counting or being absolutely hilarious.
3.) Have them struggle to understand each other: Winning money and dancing together or having hilarious snow ball fights where people get hit in the face.
These three things all add up to movie gold! I walked away from Rain Man and I actually thought Dustin Hoffman was autistic. You will walk away from Fred Claus and actually think Vince Vaughn is retarded.

On to the trailer…..

It opens with a voiceover that announces that Christmas is the time to rekindle the love between family members. This hits me in kind of a softspot because it makes me think of the Christmas that my Uncle came over, drank too much eggnog and tried to go home for the night with one of my cousins.

Santa and Fred go on to have some cute banter about their mother and Rudolph. This part reminds me a little bit of a Vagisil commercial because I don’t really care. Where is the humor? Where is the excitement? Ah, here it is, in the not-at-all-exploiting-midgets scene where Vince Vaughn has his face repeatedly pounded into the snow by ninja-secret-service-elves:

Fred goes on to ruin Christmas for kids around the world (another plot that has never been examined), but perseveres to save it for none other than the children of the world.

Along the way we have elves dancing

Hot girls in Santa costumes fainting

Kevin Spacey trying to cancel Christmas

Kathy Bates acting as an eccentric mother (ring any sleigh bells anyone?)

and general tom- foolery.

At the end of the trailer WB tries to appeal to the Wedding Crashers fans by telling the audience that it is directed by the same people. Yup, basically it is Wedding Crashers if you took out the bad language, sex, weddings, and funny parts.

Ah, but don’t worry Vince Vaughn, they made a Santa Claus 1, 2, and 3 with Tim Allen, so your franchise is just beginning!

Lions for Lambs

2007-11-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

Trailer (Opens 11/9)

What if you took Blackhawk Down, only, instead of the whole Josh Hartnett part and 1/3 of the fighting, you replaced it with a leathery school-teacher lecturing a student? Okay okay, now what if you take ANOTHER 1/3 of the fighting (let's say Tom Sizemore's role), and replaced it with a psychotic senator (hmmm, maybe we can leave Sizemore in this role) talking to a reporter? And they're all talking about the same war! Brilliant, right? I mean, imagine the complexity...three DIFFERENT storylines, but they're also CONNECTED! It's like Crash, except instead of having interesting plots and worrying about messy things like moral ambiguity, we have it all spelled out:

GOOD GUY:

GOOD GIRL:

BAD GUY!!!!

Hooray! Don't you hate all those "thrillers" that don't let you know who the bad guys are until the end? I mean, who are you supposed to cheer for, right? Luckily, they cast our favorite crazy Scientologist anti-psychology Katie Holmes-brainwashing machine in the proper role, so that we remember that the senator, at any moment, could turn into this guy (from Magnolia).

Okay, I know not all of you get e-mails directly from Howard Dean (as I do), so you might forget about a little thing I like to call politics, but Redford helps bring it to the forefront and bestows us with his wisdom. Did you know that in addition to his (losing a sports scholarship from the) University of Colorado (for drunkenness) education, he also holds six PhDs in political science, and one PhD in nation building? Imagine what a sucker you'd be to buy Locke's Two Treatises on Government for $7.99, when for a mere $11 you could watch Redford's Three Storylines on Government! $4 a unit for Locke, compared to $3.67 a unit for Rob.

Now, I want you to take a close look at the following kid:

He's just some punk, apathetic, too-cool-for-school kid, right?

WRONG! It's YOU! It's ME! Don't you see it, it's US! We're the ones too apathetic!!!! In case you couldn't gather this in the first fifteen seconds of the preview, Redford hammers it home at the end: "The problem is not with the people who started this war. The problem is with us, who do nothing". Truly, it's a shame that these pearls of wisdom (Redford's lecture) constitute a mere 60% of the words in the trailer.

In case the trailer wasn't enough to get you excited about CSPAN2 (err, I mean Lions for Lambs), we have the official synopsis: "a powerful and gripping story that digs behind the news, the politics and a nation divided to explore the human consequences of a complicated war."

Granted, I haven't seen the movie, but even the preview has let me in on a few facts that dig BEHIND the news and politics. For instance, did you know that politicians...

1) Sometimes talk in sound-bytes and discourage open and honest debate?

2)Sometimes put their political career ahead of the general well-being of the people?

If you answered “No” to either of those questions, then boy are you in for a WHOPPER. Without giving too much of this movie away (***spoiler alert***) the answer might be “Yes” to one, or BOTH, of those questions (***end spoiler alert). If I can learn this much in a mere two minutes and thirty seconds, imagine how much I can learn in the whole two hours! Especially without trivial things getting in the way like, I don't know, suspense and entertainment. Rob, you've done it again!

About Reel Intelligence

2007-11-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

Uh, we review movies without ever seeing them. Most of the time we use the previews/trailers to analyze them. Sometimes we don't. Enjoy our very informed opinions.

Didn't you have more preview reviews before this?
Yes, sorry, they are probably sipping tea together on some server that I can no longer find. They weren't very good anyway. It won't happen again.

Why do you guys hate Hollywood/movies so much?
We don't. We love movies, and we understand that they take a lot of work to make, between the writers and producers and actors and everyone. Even crappy ones. And we appreciate it. Honestly, we're just trying to be funny here...

At most other humor sites I see a lot of f-bombs. Why is there not more swearing and stuff?
Because we like to think we're (somewhat) educated. And because we want our moms to still be proud of us. More the mom thing.

When do you update?
Every day, Monday - Friday. Sometimes you get a bonus weekend update.